Inspired by Kirk Franklin's "Fight of My Life" album


Do you know who I am?
Have you heard about me?
My pastor says I am great
That I am a king, son of the King of kings
Yea, I know you’ve heard about me
Worth more than my weight in gold, apparently
That’s what they say…
I don’t see it, I look in the mirror and I just see me
Inept, incapable, useless, filthy rags
And I know I need my Lord
So I whisper “J…”
Oh but I got that job, highly demanding
Gotta pay the bills, hardly sleep as it is, plus I got those exams
Aint got time to pray, no time for weekday church
Gotta get paid
Oh but I pay my tithe tho, I’m faithful right?
I’m at church on Sunday,
But too much going on in the week
You cant seriously ask me to give another 2 hours on a Wednesday
I barely have a life as it is, barely sleep as it is
My relationships and friendships have all died from neglect
And now I’m alone, lonely, sad
So I try to turn to the One who is always there
Bow my head in tears and call on “Je…”
Whoa did you see that girl??
God , You must have spent a lil more time on HER!!
I’m gunna have to put this Christianity thing on hold
I’m young and in my prime, gotta live before I’m old
And there’s all these beautiful women
Plus them Bible rules are strict man
I’m having fun, had four girlfriends this month alone
But I’m starting to really like this one
Beautiful, smart, talented, ambitious
She even sings in the choir at church
God cant possible be mad at what we do
After all, we’re in love

At least… I thought we were
It’s been 2 months and six girls now
Since she left and why? I still don’t know
She said she didn’t feel right living against His will
And now I go from relationship to empty relationship
Looking to fill the bottomless pit inside of me
Trying not to acknowledge that I don’t feel right either
I feel dead, empty,
And I start to cry out “Jes…”

But no I cant come to him like this
I’m bruised battered and broken, I need to patch myself up
He wont want me like this….how can He?
I don’t even like me like this
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to turn
I’m lost , I cant take this any longer
I need help
And in my despair, I feel a rising up within me
It’s been there silent for too long
And now I can no longer contain it
As I fall to my knees and cry out
“JESUS!”
Help me, save me, forgive me

The night before the exam…

Pencil, check, spare pencil, check

Sharpener, check, Backup sharpener, check

Backup spare pencil, check

Calculator, check, backup calculator, check

Calculator replacement battery, check

Spare battery, check

Ruler, ID, other form of ID just in case

Check, check, check

Exam ticket, plus two copies

Got ‘em!

Candidate number, check

Ear plugs, eraser, check

Watch (digital, analog…ooh and I could use an hourglass too)

Hehe…ok that’s taking it a bit too far

Sanity, check (shhhhh….)

Directions to the exam center, check

Google maps, check, Tomtom and Mapquest agree…

Check!

Good… all set then!!

Oh crap…I forgot to study….

so once again, i havent blogged in a while and i'm feeling a little guilty so i decided i'm gunna hit you with a blogger trifecta, 3 blogs...all at once...enjoy

25%

25% of the people you meet will never like you, no matter what you do

25% of the people you meet won't like you, but can be persuaded to

25% of the people you meet will like you, but can be persuaded not to

25% of the people you meet will like you, and will stand by you no matter what

Value the people in your life that value you.

Pick your battles, do you, love your true friends.

Develop new friendships with those that want to be your friend.

Love your family, the ones that truly care

Fuck everybody else

Hello blogville, i know it's been a while since our last rendezvous. Forgive my neglect, there's been quite a bit going on in my life recently. New job, new city, new friends, new (quite short-lived) relationship...yes...been busy days.

So what's been going on with me? I now live in london (yay!) where I have learned to be so deliciously inconsiderate and at the same time so brilliantly polite. (I'm telling u it's a skill).
But really, london's been a blast so far, by far the most fun I've ever had. In the short 2 months that I've lived here, I've been to:

*the Miss Ghana UK 2008 pageant...i had planned to write an entire blog on that alone...GH has some FOINE women (36-24-46 is by no means an exaggeration)...for that I will forever be indebted to my Ghanaian flatmate for taking me.

*the London Eye...wasnt a bad time, (the free champagne helped) but it certainly doesnt live up to the hype. Yay i'm 200ft above ground and i can see for miles...blah

*a boat party...getting drunk on a boat is so much easier than on dry land...was a good night

*karaoke and sushi night.... i was surprised at how much fun i had, it would seem i have a soft spot for cheese...i lost my voice that night...and after 2 weeks i still have a sore throat from it...and who would have thought i'd like sushi?

*POESY...my church's open mic night...there's some DEEP poets out there...i need to up my game man

*the Jazz Cafe to see Mike Aremu (the saxophonist)....this one deserves it's own blog...this man is a LEGEND! The most fun i've had in a looong time...at one point dude held a note (and i'm not exaggerating) for 5 minutes....WHAT? people were going CRAZY

and there's been a few other events here and there but i say all that to say this...I LOVE THIS CITY!!!

I'm trying to get to nigeria this christmas but i havent booked my ticket yet and you know how prices start getting ridiculous around this time. Well, we can only pray...

I BOUGHT A GUITAR!!!

I mean my fingers are calloused and i still cant play Kumbaya smoothly to save my life but after 7 years of broken promises from my parents i have gone out and bought myself one. For those of you who dont know, I name my inanimate possessions, and her name is Jessica...fiery red, 6 string beauty...she's a STAGG. However, i dont really think teaching myself is working out. I think I might get me a tutor...but that will have to wait...I have an exam coming up.

On a low note, I havent written in a while. Hopefully I'll find the time soon to sit down pen in hand but for now, well...we'll see.

i found myself smiling back at someone who was clearly amused and had made eye contact with me. Then it struck me. Why were we smiling? This guy was very obviously distressed and he was lamenting about some serious issues. So why did we find entertainment in his situation?

These circumstances are the things that make me realise the truth of the Bible when it says that we do not know the evil that lurks within our own hearts. This man was not trying to be a clown. Maybe he had mental issues.

He may even just have life issues....but are either of those what any of us would refer to as comedy?

He ranted and raved for at least 20 minutes of the ride but in all that time, not one person (myself included) stopped to speak to him, asked him what was wrong. We all just laughed and chuckled, chuckled and smiled.

Why were we surprised when he turned on us? Told us all we were a bunch of rodents and we were all going to hell (I reject that in Jesus' name)

Some of us laughed him off dismissively when he spoke directly to us...some of us just plain ignored him.

Is this the society we live in today? We dont just "dont care" anymoer. We actually delight in the sufferings of others. Is this truly who we are?

If it is, God help us.

- people who say things to make themselves appear inarticulate in order to seem "cool" (eg. people who say "mans")

-people who attempt to fake eloquence by overcomplicating simple statements (eg. people who say "myself" or "yourself" in the place of "me" or "you")

-people who correct proper english with improper english (eg. "I'll give it to you" corrected with "I'll give it you")~supplied by Roro

-people who ALWAYS know the right thing to do and will not rest till you know that they know and consequently accept their advice

-people who dont know but pretend like they know and then get u in trouble for doing it their way

-REPETITION. if i've heard it once before, or twice, or 1000 times and nothings changed..what makes u think saying it now will make a difference?

-"Discussions" that are really lectures. If the only sound u hear come from me is "Yes" "Okay" "Mhmm" then it lacks the give and take of a discussion. I will treat it like i treat all my lectures. (Daydream about Jessica Alba).

-people telling me I speak good english. Yes. I did. but now u said that I'm gunna cuss u all day im my mother tongue.

-IDIOTS...you know who u r

-people who explain things by saying "That's just the way it is/done/has always been"

-senseless tradition along with people who embrace it without fully understanding why (robots)

-ISMs...why do we kid ourselves? Deep down we're all EVERYBODYELSE-IST

-university education. is it really worth 3 yrs and 30 grand to learn stuff ur never gunna use again?

-garage, speed garage, house, grime "music" (i apologise to all my british brothers and sisters...but i just dont get it)...some hip-hop as well

virtual babies...why?

-the word "GEEZER"...i swear if that word ever comes out of my mouth in conversation, i'm stabbing everyone i ever heard use it

-people who say "lol" or "brb" or "lmao" in spoken conversation...what the hell is wrong with u?

It's starting to get quite irritating. It first started last summer. Living in the beautifully sunny (NOT) England that I do, it rained everyday of the summer....then I bought an umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay.

Nothing but blue skies and sun for 3 wks, even though I carried my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay (yes i'm gunna do that everytime i say umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay...hehe) everywhere I went. Then one day Deloitte put us on a coach for our 2 day new starters orientation in Birmingham. I forgot my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay on the coach. I had NEVER opened that umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay since the day I bought it...it was practically brand new, never used. That hurt.

It rained elephants and rhinos the next day!

And it kept raining. I thought it was a fluke and bought another umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay(=p ok i'll stop now). We had Southern California weather for a month. Then I left the umbrella on the train. I step out of the train station, sun's still shining, it's all good...no. It rained and I was soaked by the time I got home.

By that time winter was nearing so I decided to just grin and bear it. If I got wet I got wet...invested in hoodies. Then at the start of the summer I decided to get another umbrella cause it was raining practically everyday. No rain from that day onwards until...Graduation day, I forget my umbrella at home...

I GOT SOAKED IN MY SUIT!!!

Learned my lesson, carried my umbrella everywhere I went....until this really sunny day...beautiful 23 degree(80F) weather...i wore shorts...left my umbrella at home (forgot it). As a joke, I sent my friend a text to warn her of rain since I had forgot my umbrella. I didnt really believe it...

I was at work all day and only went outside at about 7pm.

Torrential rains....TORRENTIAL! I was wearing shorts and a Tshirt!! Had no umbrella and was taking public transport home. Needless to say I got drenched and now wherever I go, no matter the weather, I always carry my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay

I been thinking about what kinda father I'm gunna be... (no, that clock is NOT ticking and I'm not looking to get any girls pregnant)...but it was a thought. I dont wanna turn into MY father. As much as I love him, and as much as he tries, he's a nag. And as a result, I dont talk to him about most things

I dont want to be a nagging dad. I want my son to talk to me.

I want him to tell me when he's done right

I want him to tell me when he's don wrong.

I want him to tell me about the first girl he likes.

I want him to tell me when she doesnt like him back and it hurts

I want him to tell me when she does like him back and they'r going on their first date so I can teach him how to deal with her father.

I want to teach him how to throw a football (i need to go and learn first)

I want to teach him to fall in love with poetry and reading and writing.

I want him to know that while he is entitled to his privacy, he is free to come to me about anything and it'll be our little secret. Yes, I want secrets with my son, his mother doesnt have to know everything. I'm sure there'll be some things he can only tell her too.

I want him to say "thank you" when I punish him because he understands the reason he's getting punished and is grateful to have parents that care enough to punish him. LOL. Ok, I know, pigs fly and all that, I would probably be a lil freaked out if my son said "thank you" after a spanking.

I want to introduce him to old school music, Luther Vandross, Ray Charles, Marvin Gaye...so we can both sing off key in the car while his mother and sister cringe.

I want to teach him to walk with dignity, to talk with integrity

I want to teach to apologise for mistakes he might make, but never for who he is.

I want him to know that it's OK to make mistakes as long as he learns from them.

I want to tell him that he can be anything HE wants to be as long as he's happy and it's in God's will.

Yes, he will know God, it's not a want, it's a WILL. He will know and worship Him and love Him just like I do and his path will be made straight.

I want him to believe

After a brief break from the women (by that i mean exams), i decided to allow GG and all her friends. E don tire me for them anyway, too much wahala. A friend of mine was having a birthday BBQ and had invited me. U know me, I cant say no to free chicken man.

That's where I got introduced to "Bella". I had actually met Bella briefly about a year before at another friend's send-off party and I thot the babe was pretty hot, but she just seemed really angry that night and me i dont have time for ejo(drama) so I had allowed her.

Bella was one of those Naija girls that grew up in london with naij parents. The ones that get sent to secondary school in naij to acquire some "discipline" lol. Yea, one of those. They talk with a british accent but have a very Naija mentality. Me I didnt know this at first o. I just saw "fine girl" na so my eye shine

Anyway, she was at this BBQ with her friend Tash and Tash was a very nice, also pretty hot babe (but i had eyes for Bella sha). Tash was more friendly tho, so we got to talking quite a bit while Bella just sat in the corner and would say something every now and then. Tash now started telling me that Bella had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was just looking for some good fun.(I think she was trying to set us up..thank God for best friends). This is when my eyes started to shine even more! That's how i started making more of an effort to talk to the babe but she sef was frontin, so I excused myself for a bit to go and talk to my friends...maybe she just needed to be starved of attention a bit.

I came back and this girl was gone! Her friends were looking for her, crying and all, worried out of their minds. Apparently, shorty had left with some dude!! See me see wahala!

I COULD HAVE BEEN THAT DUDE!!

Man I was so vexed. The chick came back sha, it turned out the guy was just a friend and they had just walked down the street to talk. I was about to leave when she got back so I collected her number and bounced.

I called her a few days later and we started talking...this girl started giving me a list of reasons why we cant date

I'm older than you (so? it was only by 8 months sef)

Our star signs aren't perfectly compatible (Shuo? This girl na winch?)

You're short, and I only date tall guys (...

First of all, this was a very sensitive topic at that time as I hadnt fully come to terms with my height, I have now. I'm 5ft8, she's 5"4...i know her ex...he was about 5"6, so i didnt see her point)

All of these should have been warning signs for me to run. And usually it would be the kinda "scoin,scoin"(see "Fineboy") that would have me running, but I no gree run for this one o. She just too fine. So I persevered. I said I will see her when I come to london for the summer.

I got to london and we hung out for a bit...then her parents went to Nig and she invited me to her crib one friday night for some wine (omo see as i dey happy).I got there and she made me watch Dreamgirls. Ok, ok, as much as i hate to admit it it was a good movie. Anyhow sha, the movie finishes at like 1am and she wants to put on another one. I was like "nah, let's just talk".

At that point we had finished 2 bottles of Rose and were halfway thru the third...i hadnt eaten since lunch except for some chocolate(and I HATE an empty glass and LOATHE a full glass so i'm constantly re-filling, drinking, re-filling, drinking), so the alcohol was getting to me a lil more than usual..that's how me who is usually quite quiet and reserved started spitting all kinds of game mehn. I was saying all kinds of stuff to get this girl to kiss me sha...and she just kept playing hard to get...but i no gree give up until...

Bella - ok then. *grabs my head and shoves her tongue in my mouth*

I was ready mehn. I tongue wrestled the shit out of her, then after a few minutes..

Bella - ur a really good kisser actually

Me - Well ur not so bad urself

Bella - not so bad? I'll show u not so bad *pushes me off...and gets on top of me* (dont get any ideas, we were both fully clothed...unfortunately)

So we're rolling around her bed, dancing the dance and I unhook her bra and try to take her top off. No such luck...this girl would not let me...so i tried to take off her pants (if there's one place I love to go its downtown...and the ladies usually love it) but this girls stopped me....

her excuse is that she can be quite loud and her bro was in the next room...stupid bro...GO OUT...IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!!

anyway sha i'm thinking, so i'm sleeping in this girls bed and all we're gunna do is make out? what rubbish? then i roll over and lie on my back so she can catch her breath...this girl now begins undoing my belt buckle and slides her hand into my boxers

"I feel like doing something naughty"

*Smiling* Go ahead have fun

She starts to rub it until junior starts to wake up, until he's at full attention, then she lowers her head and touches it with her lips (in my mind i'm thinking "YATAAAA"..hehe...think Hiro Nakamura)

"Nah, i dont think so...not tonight"

FUCKIN' TEASE!! God punish u!!

I was too drunk to go home and it was lyk 4 in the morning anyway, but I wasnt about to beg some trick for a blowjob, I was too drunk to give a shit anyway...my mind drifted off to other things, Junior calmed down, and I went to sleep.

Capetown was South African. Stunning with a ton of swag. She always had a knowing half-cocked smile that intrigued me.

She was also one of Ghana Girl's closest friends.

GG told me that when she first met her, she hadnt liked her at all. She was a bit alarmed at this person that wrote poetry like she did, loved all the same non-commercial music that she did, this person who was "her" in so many ways.

Then she realised it would be fun to have someone to talk to about intellectual music as opposed to the latest Chris Brown track. To converse with about the breadth of J Ivy's written word in contrast to the depth of Dahlak Braithwaite's spoken word. And then they really hit it off

GG introduced me to her "really cool friend" Capetown in Febuary 2007. At first I was a little cautious of her and her knowing, half-cocked smile. Then we got to talking and I began to think

"This girl is kinda cool".

Somewhere between the end of march and the middle of april, I asked GG for "permission" to date her friend since we had this thing NOT going on between us. She said it was cool...matter of fact she encouraged me, said it was a "fantastic idea".

We went out a few times, but when I kissed her I realised I couldnt be with her. When I kissed her, there was nothing.

.

I had to end it.

She was very understanding. She had never thought it was a good idea to date since I had liked her friend first. So all was good in the hood. And we remained friends.

This was before the drunken kiss i mentioned in my previous post. Making Capetown half the reason for my title; "Friend Kisser"

the past year or so has been ..well..interesting to say the least...I've had a total mindshift from the place I was in, say, 15 months ago.

It all started with Ghana Girl. Calm, sultry, sexy Ghana Girl. Toned and voluptuous (36DD, 46hips). She was like the ying to my yang. We had the same tastes in music, poetry (she wrote as well, beautiful, intimidating poetry) she was my muse. She was a good girl but she loved sex (we went to an STD awareness event and she grabbed about 50 durexes for herself, got me to grab about 20 and got another one of her friends to grab a few...2 weeks later, she told me they were gone)...but only with her boyfriend. Oh how I tried to break them up... She was meant for me..to be MY girl..and she didnt help when she said "If I wasn't in a situation, you and I would be in a situation"....

So of course I tried to break em up...

But she loved her boyfriend, and she didnt know me very well...still I didnt lose hope...until...

I KISSED HER FRIEND!!!

We had all gone clubbing that night and I had just got paid so I got pretty plastered...and I bought her and her friends quite a few drinks too...(one of them indulged my generosity a little more than the others..between the two of us I think we had about 10 rum and cokes and maybe 5 or 6 vodka redbulls)...we were wasted. Anyway, at the end of the night we're parking lot pimpin' and i go to give homegirl a hug and she plants a big wet one on me...

Now I'm drunk, straight, and her lips taste good, so I pull her back for another one. I dont know how long it lasted but at some point during, her friends must've looked over cause I hear "what is she doing?" at which point she pulls away. Now, her official story is

I was drunk, I dont remember, I didnt know what I was doing, he took advantage of me....

WHAT?

I was drunk too. I do remember. She had been trying to kiss me all night on the dance floor. I didnt purposely make her drunk. I was just in a generous mood....i think u took advantage of me u silly lil trick. So now I'm known as the friend kisser because I've kissed two of her friends (the other one is another story) and I have no chance now with GG or any of her friends as she now loves to "spoil show" for me. We remain friends tho.

I was going to tell u about my entire year in this one post but taking into consideration how long it's taking to speak about one person, i may have to split this up into a series. I'll figure out how i'll split em up later.

But for now, remember it all started with Ghana Girl

I have struggled with my identity for a long time. This is as a result of growing up under the tutelage of an extremely overbearing father (I love my father very much and I try to understand that it's because he wants the best for me, but sometimes, it does just get too much to bear).

I'm 23 yrs old and yet I feel like I have no autonomy to make my own decisiions. He wants to be involved in, and consulted on, everything. From my career choice, all the way down to how I do my laundry....my f*****g LAUNDRY!! And even when he isnt consulted, he feels the need to profer his "advice" (really it's more like 'do what i say or i will nag u till u give in').

I hide stuff that I buy from him because of the "so how much was that one now"s that inevitably lead to the "are you sure you're on top of your finances"s. I'm flipping 23 yrs old and this man is trying to tell me how to spend the money I used my own sweat to make. My own sweat! And he's trying to tell me how to spend it?!?!?! He said this a couple of days ago (i paraphrase somewhat but i try to quote him as closely as possible):

I know you like nice things, but dont buy the "top of the range", even if you can afford it. You are too young to be sporting designer clothes and the like. If you have extra money, you should divert it into savings and investments and then later on in life when you are comfortable you can start buying those expensive things. Take a cue from me...

I concede that there is a certain wisdom to the mans argument. Saving is important. But I'm going into a decent job and will be making enough to save a decent chunk and STILL be able to afford some luxuries. Bear in mind, this man is now nearing 50, with a FAT bank account but still holding on to his time honed frugal habits. If you saw my dad in the streets, you would never be able to guess how much he's worth. I only know because I "stumbled" accross some financial documents and this man is MINTED!

I guess it's a good thing that he remains humble and self-sacrificing, but that's the life he chose for himself. It's time he let me make a decision about my life.

It's not just money...

Every decision I make, depending on whether he agrees or not, is either vetoed or "encouraged" so much so that it eventually seems like it was his idea and not mine.

I'M 23!!!!

Turning 24 this year and this man is still trying to run my life. I have a curfew when I'm at his house...a flippin CURFEW!

He's trying to get me talking about what kinda qualities I'm looking for in a wife...probably trying to make that decision for me as well...so glad I still have YEARS to think about that decision

oh he already tried to set me up with someone...3 yrs ago...before i was even in the country...he still asks till this day why i wasnt interested...and i wanna say "BECAUSE U CHOSE HER!!" She's actually pretty cool and we might have had a different story if he wasnt trying to set us up...but that's another story

He is constantly bugging me about different things and doesnt know when to let something slide...i mentioned laundry earlier...today's spiel was about me washing my boxers in the washing machine when i should be doing it by hand...WHAT? what the hell is the washing machine there for? I told him quite frankly that i did not see the point of giving myself unnecessary work and he said i was just being lazy...i thot to myself.."well in this instance i can afford to be!

My point is...why argue about a thing like that? In the grand scheme of things, I dont think my destiny is going to be preconcluded on whether I washed my boxers by hand or machine.

Sometimes I think the man isnt trying to raise a son...he's trying to raise a robot, a clone of himself but without flaws...he's trying to raise me perfect...but i'm not perfect and i dont want to be perfect...i just want to be me; quirky, driven, ambitious, creative, indecisive, playful, hardworking, friendly, inspired, God-fearing me.

But I'm still his son. He is still my father.

i recently found myself in the backseat of a KA....getting a ride from work to the train station...in the BACKSEAT OF A FORD KA... it seemed quite representative of all the places i dont want to be in life...cramped, restricted, trapped, but most especially IN THE BACKSEAT OF A F*****G KA!

I'm at work a half hour early today, so I thot I'd do a quick post highlighting the women that have come and gone in my life thus far. I'm using pseudonyms, but if any of u are reading this u know who u are:

Committed (as in to a mental facility) ~ no, she wasnt crazy, but we were crazy together...it was our thing. She was my first...my first nothing, in a time when i was young, inexperienced and shy, she was young inexperienced and shy...we were friends first and then we added a title...but the dynamic of our friendship never changed...i still wish I had kissed her...

Quickie~ I call her that because this was the quickest relationship I was in and out of. It lasted one whole day.

Nightime ~ I never saw her in the daytime, but the sex was amazing.

Inexperienced~ My longest lasting relationship(5 months!! lol) and still a good friend.

Oreo ~ My little Nubian Queen, black as coal on the outside, white as snow on the inside. More on her later

Bigot ~ She hated foreigners, but she loved me, she lied about her age, she lied about her experience, she had a hot body...and I gave up sex for her.

Crazy lady~ This one really was crazy. We would break up and make up about 10 times a week. I knew I needed to get out because it was a long distance thing and u know how those are..More later.

and last but definitely not least

LOML ~ The one constant, been there thru the years. And she will be the one constant on this blog...

That was just till the beginning of last year, I'll talk about the more recent ones in subsequent posts. Time to get to work

Forget the fraud, forget yahooze
Forget the 419 and scam artists
Forget the corruption, forget the abuse of power
Forget the harrasment of men who swore in uniform to protect
Forget the bribes, forget Bar beach
So i dont speak my mother tongue fluently
I may no longer enunciate in the colorful tones of the Yoruba accent
I may not appreciate ALL of the tradition
But i'm still proud to be Nigerian
I'm proud because underneath the rubble of our current state
Lies a treasure in the fullness of our culture
The arch of our women's backs
Carved by centuries of calabash carrying
The chocolate ebony of their skin
Deepened by long treks under hot Nigerian sun
The history of Olumo Rock, its permanence
Helps me overlook the cracks in Aso
I'm proud to be Nigerian even with the stigma it carries
I'm proud to be Nigerian whatever reputation it may afford me
I'm proud, because He made me Nigerian
And He never makes mistakes

so i'm looking at her with my mouth open, hardly able to believe what i just heard

"do i look like ur uncle? silly girl...how old are u? how old do u think i am?"

it was quite upsetting...i'm 23...NOBODY is allowed to call me uncle...i dont care how young...your 3 yr old son or daughter is not allowed to call me uncle...my name is...well those of u that know my name know my name...but do NOT call me uncle

silly little girl

I want to introduce you to the love of my life...or as i affectionately call her, LOML. I've known her for as long as I can remember but we only recently began to get really close and started to realise that there existed something between us. She is probably the person I care most about in this world and the yardstick no other woman can measure up against and I wish I had started this blog earlier, so I could have introduced her in all her glory. But this is the way it's turned out. She will remain nameless as will everyone who I talk about on this blog, but u can refer to her as LOML. The one I esteem greatly and love deeply. The most amazing woman that ever lived.

So, I said I wished I had introduced her earlier. That's because as I speak of her today, it is under a cloud of humanness. She recently committed an error of judgement that hurt me. And I tried to understand why I was hurt. Our relationship is very complex and open and as such she is free to do as she pleases as am I. I've never had a problem in the past with her being involved with a guy because we have an understanding in our relationship...we remain LOMLs. But this time was different, and I cant go into detail about it because it's really none of ur business, but there's a line....

Anyway, she asked me to forgive her, and at first, not feeling like I had a right to be hurt in the first place, I didnt know how. But she is the love of my life and I didnt need to think about it that long. I now know why I was hurt, and I know why I must forgive her and in my pensiveness I picked up a pen and wrote:


You

You
Who I esteem greatly
Who I hold closest to my heart
You
With your sarcastic nature
You
Who I have everything and nothing in common with
You
Who is simultaneously totally right and totally wrong for me
I love your cynicism
I love your wit
I love the fact that we agree that our parents are the single
most stressing factor in our lives
I admire everything about u
And I saw no fault in u
So when u told me, I felt something break inside of me
For I had never imagined a weakness in you
My mind painted a perfect picture of u
And this ill-placed brush stroke like graffiti accross the face of art
It perturbed my soul
So when I told you I was hurting, it wasnt really your doing
Because I now realise that no human being can live up to the perfection
of the picture I painted of you
And you are human
So I forgive you
I forgive your humanness
And I forgive myself for trying to take that away from you
You
Who I still hold nearest to my heart
You
Who is still the single most important person in my life
You
Who remains the undying love of my life,
And I still love you, now more than ever

WTF?? ....i'm gunna go shave...be back to rant

my life

is an open book

with blank pages

it's not for you to read

but for me to write

i'm re-evaluating my reasoning for starting this blog...i'm doing this as a way to say the things that i want to say in true damn-the-consequences fashion. not like the diplomat that I am in the real world. so in a sense, my life on blogger is totally different from my life.

but still i'm sensing certain similarities. i have inadvertently compartmentalized my blogs. all aspects kept seperate, just like my real life...friends kept separate, from family, kept seperate from finance, kept separate from romance, kept separate from me.

so as i write to share myself with you, i realise that i share myself in tiny little pieces at a time...i've always been this way, and i cannot or will not change...it's the way I am. The people who know the most about me dont really know me, they only know what i show them.

even as i write this i realise that this must be true for most people and as such this post is moot.

I've always considered myself a fair man. The type of man that would rather die than hurt a woman. I thought I was better than most men. Not an animal.

But I now realise that...well... I am. It's not something I can do anything about. It's ingrained in that XY gene that gave me my 21st appendage (or my 5th limb depends how u look at it). I didnt really have a say in the matter, I just am. Now the choice that's left to me and to every other man is as to what animal to be. We have two choices:

- mean, vicious, but faithful dog.

-or dirty, disgusting pig.

i choose the former. and I try to remain that way in all my dealings with women...knowing that they can be b*****s themselves...and i say that not to disrespect women, cause i really do respect women, but they know, ladies, u know when u get in that mood where u sit on a brother's last nerve till it cant stand the weight of u and he snaps...that's another story.

So anyway, i discovered this about myself and accepted it. I will try to be the best man (or dog) I can be...blunted fangs, muted claws and all...and this is my journey to becoming that

i was talking to beloved the other day and she went on a bender about the current programming on BET. the ridiculous profusion of really crap "reality" shows, College Hill, Hell Date, Baldwin Hills...to name a few of the worst offenders.

Anyway it got me thinking about "reality"(sorry i can't say reality without the quotes...it wouldnt be right) shows and the people that get on them. It's like a modern day slavery with people doing whatever the network bosses say in order to get the carrot dangled in front of the donkeys nose...anyway...i wrote:

Negnorance

You prance about on tv
Showing the entire world your shame
You've given them your dignity
The price you had to pay for fame
Now the whole world knows your name
But for entirely wrong reasons
You brought disgrace to your family
And still you're signed up for next season
You don't realise you're in chains
A true modern day slave
Exploited by the "Masser"
The media made you all the rage
Going "Yessa Big Brother", "Thank you ver much Big Brother"
Locked away and at their mercy for your food and drink
Seems awfully familiar...

I havent written anything in a loooooooooooooong time...it has actually been quite distressing because everytime i put pen to paper, trying to conjure up words i end up writing 2 or three lines and then it doesnt feel right anymore...so i have a LOT of unfinished pieces on my phone. But the other day, sitting on a bus, I decided to just write words, whatever would come out of me....this is the result...I call it my "end to drought"


It's a stalemate
Me looking at Him
Him looking at me
Nothing changing..no progress is made
Not one drop of ink will leak from this pen
Until I feel an ounce of emotion
So I stare at blank lined A4
That mirrors the emptiness of my life
Lived between the lines
Trying to direct my flow as though it were scripted...as though it were mine
But the page remains blank..
'Til I realise that there are no guidelines

So I begin to write
Not between the lines this time
But all over the page
In crude, distorted letters
In no particular direction, in no predetermined order
I let the words spill out on paper
Like rain
Following the Spirit like raindrops follow the wind
No pattern to it
It just pours
And then comes the storm
Scaring religious old ladies with its intensity
Frightening them with it's unpredictability
Causing those who understand to smile
To laugh, to go dancing in the rain

so i've found myself in a bit of a rut lately. i've gotten a little moody and people are starting to notice. they ask me what's wrong and i cant really tell them because i dont really know. Well if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I DO know...and the reason I cant tell them is that they would probably hate me.

You see, my current state of funk is owed in most part to my environment, of which these people are a part. I have become quite intolerant of stupidity and these people have it in buckets..no, tankers. And when I'm quiet and I refuse to join in their foolishness, they ask me why I'm in a mood and I wont lie, I'm very, VERY tempted to tell them that their idiocy is driving me crazy...that I want to grab a stapler and pin the word IDIOT to each and every one of their foreheads. I'm not playing either...I've sat there and planned it out...how much paper I would need...actually typed up the word in big bold letters and gotten inches away from hitting the print button.

I've always tried to be the kind of person that keeps a positive attitude, no matter where I am, keep a smile on my face, cheer others up. But I cant do it here, i'm surrounded by so much negativity, back-stabbing, gossiping, rumor-mongering, name-calling, politics...u name it...they do it. I feel like Lot in Sodom. This is NOT my place. I'm so glad I leave in 2 weeks.

They say even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your personality
I love your sense of humore, ur wit, our conversations
I admire the way u think
The depth of ur soul
I feel connecte to ur spirit
But u still better look good

See I also like that 34, 24, 46
Cute smile with the thick red lips
Thick figure with a tiny waist
With legs that go on for days
Eyes that shine like the stars
And perfect teeth that glisten from afar

Cause even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your wonderful personality
But I'm sayin...hunnie, u gotta look good

i wanted to write you a poem
one to show appreciation of your mothership
to tell you in all honesty and truth
that a better mother could not be wished
God created you perfect, and perfect to me you are

i wanted to write you a poem
one to show gratitude for your kindness
the thanks i can give not enough of
for your grace to me has known no bounds
God created you kind, and kind to me you are

i wanted to write you a poem
one to tell you how beautiful your smile is
to speak of the radiance of your countenance
and the increasing beauty of your face
God created you beautiful, and beautiful to me you are

i wanted to write you a poem
one to show appreciation of your mothership
to tell you in all honesty and truth
a better mother could not be wished
for God created you perfect, and wonderful and magnificent
and perfect to me you are

I want to write something
something that makes you listen
I want to write something that makes you realize something's missing
I want to write something that inspires you
I want to write something that builds up a holy fire in you
I want to write something that makes you yell Hallelujah and Amen
I want to write something so you say "Well, he done did it again"
I want my pen to spit words on paper in ink of gold
I want history to remember the stories I told
I want to write something that's relevant to you
I want to write words that touch you, and you and you too
I want to write a poem that makes you cry
I want my incursive words to make you believe you can fly
I want you to smile at one line of poetry
Nod and clap at the next...

I want to write something that makes you listen
But mostly I just want to write

“I have neglected you shockingly of late. This is because I have had to neglect everything that could be neglected without immediate ruin, and partly because you have passed into the circle of intimate friends whose feelings one never dreams of considering”

George Bernard Shaw (Playwright)

Human nature seems to endow people with the ability to size up everybody in the world but themselves.

“...the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You’ve got to be your own best friend first.”

Phil McGraw (Author)

When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, i dreamed of changing the world. As i grew older and wiser, i discovered the world would not be changed so i shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change my country. But it too seemed immovable. As i grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, i settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now, as i lie on my deathbed, i suddenly realized: If i had only changed my self first, then by example i would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, i would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, i may have even changed the world.

One is too small a number to achieve greatness (Teamwork)

“The colder it gets outside, the more we huddle together for warmth; but the closer we get to one another, the more we hurt each other with our sharp quills. And in the lonely night of earth’s winter eventually we begin to drift apart and wander out on our own and freeze to death in our loneliness.”

The Porcupine Principle

Arthur Schopenhauer (Philosopher)

“This is certain, that a man that studies revenge keeps his wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well”

Sir Francis Bacon (Statesman)

“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

Lady Dorothy Nevill (Hostess & Writer)

“As we must account for every idle word, so we must for every idle silence”

Ben Franklin

Do all the good you can

To all the people you can

In all the ways you can

As long as you ever can

D.L. Moody (Evangelist)

Friendship consists of a willing ear, an understanding heart and a helping hand

Frank Tyger (Author)

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca (Philosopher)

“I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that i can do, or any kindness that i can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for i shall not pass this way again.”

“Strangers are what friends are made of”

Cullen Hightower

The entire population of the world- with one minor exception- is composed of others.

Sometimes when you give someone a piece of your mind, you lose your own peace of mind.

“We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Poet)

“Once a mind has been stretched by a new idea, it never returns to its original shape”

Oliver Wendell Holmes

“There are some people that if they don’t know, you can’t tell them”

Louis Armstrong

“Relationships help us define who we are and what they become”

Paula Nelson

“I have never met a man who was not my superior in some particular”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”

Dale Carnegie

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”

“Try to care about something in this vast world besides the gratification of small selfish desires”

George Eliot (Novelist)

The person without charisma walks into a group and says, “Here I am.” The person with charisma walks into a group and says “There you are.”

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

Mark Twain

“Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he already were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Philosopher-poet)

“If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend... Assume to dictate to his judgement, or to command his action, or to mark him as one to be shunned or despised, and he will retreat within himself...you shall no more be able to pierce him than to penetrate the hard shell of a tortoise with a rye straw.”

Abraham Lincoln

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is a greater compliment to be trusted than to be loved.”

George MacDonald

“Integrity is the basis of trust... It is the one quality that cannot be acquired, but must be earned.”

Warren Bennis

“Trust is...established when words and deeds are congruent”

William M. Boast (Author)

“This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man”

William Shakespeare

“All seems infected that the infected spy

As all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye”

Alexander Pope

“Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.”

Chisholm’s Second Law

“Kindness is a language the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear and understand.”

Christian Bovee

“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves. They shall never cease to be amused.”

Old Chinese Proverb

“Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness.”

David Augsburger

“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds”

Aristotle

“Two are better than one,

Because they have good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

King Solomon

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

“False friends are like our shadows, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade”

“...in prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.”

John Maxwell

“It is not so much our friends’ help that helps us, as the confident knowledge that they will help us”

Epicurus (Greek Philosopher)

“No man can live happily who regards himself alone; who turns everything to his own advantage. You must live for others if you wish to live for yourself.”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca (Philosopher)

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

Socrates

“What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too little; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.”

Thomas Paine (Political theorist)

“it is impossible to learn anything important about anyone until we get him or her to disagree with us; it is only in contradiction that character is disclosed.”

Sydney J. Harris (Author)

“If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone; a man, sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.”

Samuel Johnson

“Promise may get friends, but it is performance that keeps them.”

Ben Franklin

“If the first law of friendship is that it has to be cultivated, the second law is to be indulgent when the first law has been neglected.”

Voltaire

“In necessary things, unity; in doubtful things, liberty; in all things, charity.”

Richard Baxter (Clergyman)

“He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, while he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

For the friendship of two, the patience of one is necessary.

Average people do not want other people to go beyond average.

“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.”

Oscar Wilde

You may be able to impress people with your successes, but if you want to influence them, share your failures.

“A genuine friend encourages and challenges us to live out our best thoughts, honor our purest motives, and achieve our most significant dreams.”

Dan Reiland

My success can be achieved only with others.

My lessons can be learned only from others.

My weaknesses can be strengthened only by others.

My servanthood can be tested only under others’ leadership.

My influence can be compounded only through others.

My leadership can be focused only on others.

My best can be given only to others.

My legacy can be left only for others.

So i should commit myself to and celebrate with others.

“Keep a fair-sized cemetery in your back yard, in which to bury the faults of your friends.”

Henry Ward Beecher

“...while there remains one dark soul without the light of God, I’ll fight.”

William Booth (Salvation Army)

“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”

David Brinkley (Newscaster)

Care more than others think is wise

Risk more than others think is safe

Dream more than others think is practical

Expect more than others think is possible

Work more than others think is necessary

“No man becomes rich unless he enriches others.”

Andrew Carnegie

It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely help another without helping himself.

“You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”

Woodrow Wilson

“we cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibres connect us with our fellow men; and along those fibres, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

Herman Melville (Novelist)

There is a destiny that marks us as brothers;

No one goes his way alone;

All that we send into the lives of others

Comes back into our own.

Edwin Markham (Poet)

“Friendship is born [when] one says to another ‘What, you too? I thought I was the only one’”

C.S. Lewis

“Your best friend is the one who brings out the best that is within you.”

Henry Ford

“You can do what i cannot do. I can do what you cannot do. Together we can do great things.”

Mother Teresa

“In the progress of personality, first comes a declaration of independence, then a recognition of interdependence.”

Henry Van Dyke (English Statesman)

“A candle loses nothing when it lights another candle.”

Thomas Jefferson

“For all that has been, Thanks. For all that will be, Yes.”

Dag Hammarskjold (2^nd Sec-Gen UN)

“A joy shared is a joy doubled.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

i'm writing this one from the heart
at least from somewhere that feels like it
so if there is no function or form to this piece
please dont judge
because today i write not to inspire
or to encourage
today i write to ask for help
i need direction,
you can call this a prayer
because i feel my faith slipping
I know you are there but why do I find it so hard to reach for you
i find myself doubting, even myself
the things that I know, things i do all seem an exercise in futility
i find myself resigned in impotent acceptance of life
slothful and slumbering, having no purpose or worth to my life
i'm surrounded by people that i'm supposed to love
but i'm afraid that i dont know what love is
so i'm lonely
surrounded by people, beautiful people
but still lonely
i thought i was on the road to self discovery
but i hit a dead end and now i'm back where i started
back at the beginning
and it's cold here,
i'm cold, unfeeling, void
there is no passion in me, no fire in me
no light, no desire in me
and i have no further words to describe this lack of feeling
so i'll stop here

dont ask me what's wrong, just pray for me
me and my God have a score to settle

i was thinking how many of the people we owe most of the liberties we take for granted today were not recognized as the great men and women they were in their day. it's a really sad but true phenomenon.

for all past and present heroes


I will get no one to sing my praises, acknowledge my contribution
not til i'm dead
I will be ridiculed in public, talked down in private
They will not see the value of my work
The genius of my confession
They will not see anything but a crazy man
not till i'm dead
They will stand and point, point and laugh
they will not believe
not till i'm dead
They will lock me away, keep me from my work
My nobility in their eyes will be blasphemy
For i go against the norm
For i think outside the box
They will see no logic in my thinking
not till i'm dead
I wont get a Nobel Prize, no
No, not till I'm dead
My non-conforming, non-complying recusance
will be branded heresy,
will be branded insanity
My uniqueness will be called an aberration,
an error in creation
No, they will not see me as still human
not till I'm dead
because i violate convention
they will brand me eccentric and ignore my contribution
No, they will not sing my praises
No, no, not till I'm dead

i put pen to paper and pray for words
much like the guitarist prays for chords
i place letter beside letter, word next to word
praying in desperation, inspiration from the Lord
I pray from deep in my heart of hearts
For this pen to spawn a fresh work of art
For the truth to be spoken, one stony heart broken
Let it be wisdom that I impart
For I write no longer that I might be healed
Nay, I write in the hopes that the truth be revealed
I write to enrich, I write to empower
I write to loose shackles, I write for the hour
to stand and claim your inheritance is here
I write to reassure you to have no fear
I write in the hopes that you hear what I say
but most of all I write to pray..


i pray you good, i pray you well
i pray you all you pray yourself
i pray you all your pleasant dreams
i pray you might, i pray you means
to get ahead, i pray you hope
in trying times, i pray you cope
I pray you years of overflow
I pray you wisdom to deal with it though
I pray you excess, i pray you success
I pray you reap a hundred fold
I pray you smiles, I pray you laughter
I pray you joy for now and after
I pray you peace, everyday, every way
My friend, in Jesus' Name I pray

Amen.

Affectionately, we called her Maami
Beautiful Mother, and she was beautiful
her beauty was untamed,
unrefined by the hands that craft "perfection"
yet she was beautiful

hers was a raw talent, unperfumed, unpropped
she had no place in "sophisticated society"
for they had no hand in her
yet she was beautiful

her hair was matted to perfection
beautiful down to her split ends
her big brown eyes unaccented by mascara
unglossed lips still full and luscious
she carried herself like the queen she was

natural, untainted beauty
skin naturally moisturized by rain forests
was smoother than your baby's bottom
vogue and immac were words she had never heard
yet she was a cover girl

the beauty of her soul shone out to the world
when those big brown eyes smiled
when her loving arms cared
when my grandma held me
and it was... and she was... beautiful


R.I.P Maami

I thought I'd write for you today
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

You who have shown me love and appreciation
You who listen and feedback
You who have given me time, you who understand me
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

I thought I'd write for you today
You who have educated me through our interactions
You who feed me with truth and fact
You who have shared a part of yourselves with me
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

I thought I'd write for you today
You who gave me hope and inspiration
You who never hold me back
You who hold me down and pray for me
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

I thought I'd write for you today
You who have encouraged in me in every situation
You who have kept me on track
You who have always believed in me
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

I thought I'd write for you today
You who have lifted me up in conversation
You who have never turned ur back
You who always have a smile for me
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you

I thought I'd write to show appreciation
I thought I'd write to say thank you
I thought I'd say a prayer for you
I thought I'd write to say that I love you
Yes you,
I thought I'd write for you today,
I thought I'd write for you