But I'm not apologising for it! I have just uncovered a world in which I can truly, unashamedly be myself. A world where 'my kind' is accepted because 'my kind' is the norm here. And I love you guys. So, to express my love, I'm doing a tribute to the bloggers who have welcomed, inspired and encouraged me.

The legendary Teediva- My introduction to blogville was mainly through her infamously steamy blog. She's the one who first made me want to blog. Its a shame the blog is gone now

Overwhelmed- I was struck by her depth and her openness. She's lived a lot of life and is a very strong woman for it.

Ms. Catwalq- The only writer on here whose superior talent I wont even attempt to contest. I love her stories, her imagination. Yes, I'm a Stan.

Beloved- The very first blog I ever had the pleasure of reading. A poet. Cant wait till I see her on Def Poetry Jam. She's also a dear friend and the most inspiring woman i know.

And more recently...

Lady Koko- Funny, witty, classy, real. Apparently, she has 'plans' for me. I'm still waiting to find out what these plans are. I know what my own plans for her are...hehe. Although, I wish she would stop leaving us in suspense...WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR FRIEND WITH THE CHEATING BOYFRIEND?? I could die tomorrow, u know..then I'll never know. :-P

Afrobabe- Another one I think I could kick it with in real life. Her blog is consistently hilarious (LOVE the pics).

wordmerchant - First of all, I love the name. 2nd, I love the blog.
p.s. dont fret being Nigreianized, we're taking over the world anyway...pretty soon we'll sneak into 10 Downing, and then the White House shortly after that..we cannot be stopped!

Roc Naija- thanks for the love. The blog is hilarious and he echoes a lot of my beliefs. Plus I'd like a dotcom too..hehe

and finally to all the beautiful bloggers who stop by but dont comment....

I still luv ya...maybe a little less tho

pce!

The Bachelor

ps. if i didnt mention anyone, it's not because i dont luv u, it's because alcohol kills brain cells

I was talking to my baby brother the other day and in the course of that conversation, I realised I can no longer call him my baby brother. He's 15 but until that enlightening conversation, 15 had just been another number added on to his age.

The boy now shaves, talks in a baritone and is about an inch taller than me. But even with all that, he was, in my eyes, still a baby.

So imagine my shock when I asked him how his Valentine's had been and he told me he had spent it in hiding.

Why?

There were too many girls on his case, something like 6 or 7. He wasnt sure.

Sho'o..

This same little boy that just yesterday peed in my face when i tried to sit him on his potty was now gaming chicks. What?? The apple obviously doesn't fall far from the ..erm...other apples.

Knowing he couldnt see my proud smile over the phone, I put on my sternest big brother voice.

Bachelor:'You shouldnt treat girls like that, you know. How do you think they feel?'

He laughed at me. *Sigh* Oh well... I tried.

Bachelor:'I hope they're all fine sha, u know u have a legacy to live up to.'

Mini-Bachelor:'Ahn ahn, of course now'

Bachelor: 'Ok o'

Then, as an afterthought, knowing that the parents would have avoided the 'Birds and the bees' talk like the plague, I did possibly the bravest thing I've done this year.

B:'Just be careful, dont...'

Mini-B: 'Yes Bachelor, I know'

B:'Ah ahn let me finish now...make sure you...'

Mini-B:'I know, I know, I know...I've managed to escape having this convo with mama and papa Bachelor and i'm not having it with you'

B: 'Hmm, ok...just let me say this. You know your parents, your father especially. Sha just know what you're doing'

*Phew* That was close.. I didnt wanna have that convo either. The thought of my baby brother getting down..*shudders*

The funny thing is that this shameful behaviour is not restricted to the men in my family. Just 3 weeks ago, my little sis came up to me at church all excited and with a trace of disbelief in her eyes.

Bachelorette:'Bachelor, we're one year today!'

Bachelor:'Wow, haha really?'

To her boyfie: 'Kudos to you sir, they should give you an award..that you were able to stay with this one for so long'

This is the same sister that has never been with anyone longer than 3 or 4 months. The same sister that in July or August was telling me. 'Its long jo. I'm tired. I'm bored. I need something new'.

I just felt sorry for the guy. Especially since I like the guy... he's cool peoples; he treats her well, he takes care of her and he's a genuinely nice guy. My parents even like him. Yes, shock horror, he's met the parents.

So I'm glad it's working out. I think dude is even thinking about marriage...which is cool, like i said, he's a good guy. But it's just kinda weird...my baby sis getting married. Going to a wedding I actually give a piss about. You can be sure my mother's cries of "So Bachelor, where is your own?" will get even louder...but that's another post.

So anyway, yes, the 'Tree' in this story. Good old pops. That man is some next level underG. When we were younger and lived in Nig, pretty much everytime an 'aunty' came to visit, my mom would be like "hmm, another one of your dad's old girlfriends". As in, player player!... dude got married at 24 so it's not like all these women were stretched out over a long period. He even dated my aunt...as in my mom's sister! for a short period. I'm so glad they never got married...so glad she's not my mommy. I love my auntie but she can be a nag sometimes...

I digress.

So anyway, the point of today's story is that I am not the way I am by choice...it's in my DNA.

Don't hate the player, hate the genes.

The Bachelor

Participants:

-------------

Bachelor, hildapywicy



Messages:

---------

hildapywicy: hello

Bachelor: Hi

hildapywicy: Hey Bachelor

Bachelor: Hi. Who's this?

hildapywicy: This is difficult for me to do because I'm shy..but I have a crush on you, i have been sending you emails but no response

Bachelor: Emails?

hildapywicy: I've never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was.

hildapywicy: With that said, I want you to guess who I am, and approach me yourself.

Bachelor: Who is this?

hildapywicy: To help you out with your guessing I made a few pictures and videos with "Bachelor" written on my body.

hildapywicy: They're kind of risque photos so I had to make a profile at www.golivesafe.com/access/ and post them there

hildapywicy: did you get my last IM about the riscque photos? if you didnt get the link visit it in my yahoo profile

hildapywicy: My username in the members area is "BachelorandME09" (It's a free website but you might need a CC or Debit to verify your age because I had to. Sigh.)

hildapywicy: once you are inside search for me. I want you to guess who I am and then approach me yourself. I'm shy and this is the bravest thing I've probably ever done, but you need to do the rest.

Bachelor: I'd rather you just told me who you r

hildapywicy: i wont ever be able to get on yahoo messenger again this is my only day so come talk with me on the website

hildapywicy: Kisses, Secret Admirer

Bachelor: I'm not going on the website

hildapywicy: Permanent Gone Message - I quit using Yahoo Messenger, I only used it to communicate with my crush and I have now done so. He knows where to talk to me at ;)

Bachelor: Tell me who you r

Bachelor: Too bad

hildapywicy has signed out.

**************************************************

This is the dumb conversation i had with 'someone' on yahoo... my credit or debit card? in this day of yahooze? I resemble mugu?

To be honest, its kinda interesting, these bots are getting quite innovative. As for me an my house, however, we will not be fooled!

continued from here

Dwayne Hunter was still had a few chuckles left in him as he walked across the parking lot to his car. He had got a little more than he had expected today. *Who knew Cyan was a squirter* He laughed out loud at the thought.

He reached his car, the thing he loved most behind Cyan and the twins, opened the door and slid in behind the wheel. As his fingers wrapped around its hard leather, he reminisced on the day they had bought it. They had been in Germany for a conference last year and had decided to stay an extra day to take in the sights.

They had ducked into what they thought was a little cul-de-sac (Cy had just hinted that she wasnt wearing any underwear) but turned out to be a hub for the most exclusive car dealers in Western Europe.

As he kissed her in the shade, and his hands slid up her thigh and to her soft, moist center, he heard the faint but unmistakable roar of a powerful engine. He opened his eyes and there she was, the only other beauty to ever give him wet dreams; a deep, fiery orange Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera.

'Cyan', barely a whisper

'Mmm?', as she feasted on his delicious lips, not ready to let go

'Look!'

She left his lips slowly, reluctantly and turned her head to see what could possibly be so important as to distract her husband.

*Gasp* He couldn't see her face now, nor could he see her dark beautiful eyes glaze over, but by the way her soft, supple body went rigid and trembled against him, and the fluids running down his fingers which were still up her skirt, he could tell she had just had a mini-orgasm.

She turned back to look at him. Their eyes met for only a second, but in that time they knew. They were getting that car!!

He took her hand and walked into the showroom, and after a quick chat with the dealer, and a sizable amount withheld from his account as a deposit (They were, afterall colored skinned people in Frankfurt), they had the keys and were taking the beautiful machine for a test drive. As they pulled out of the dealership, he caught Cyan's eye, danger lurked in them.

'Autobahn?', he asked, knowing what her answer would be.

'Autobahn'.

He did his car like he did his woman....rough, hard, fast. He was in 6th gear within 15seconds of entering the speedway, and he was gaining speed. He could feel Cyan's eyes, calmly, patiently, watching him. He knew she liked it when he got intense, and right now, he was 175 miles per hour of intense.

*Uh oh* what was that?* he felt something slide up his thigh. He didnt dare look down, not at this speed

*zzzzzzzip!* Lawd Almighty! was this woman crazy?!?!* He was approaching 190 miles per hour, he needed to concentrate!!

She slid her hand between the layers and grabbed his rapidly hardening manhood. He never wore any underwear around her, 20 years of experience and many a ripped pair had taught him that. Nothing got in her way, so it was safer to remove the obstacles. She stroked upwards.

'Cy....'

'Shhhh, mama's working'

She pulled him out, leaned over and licked the tip. A bead of sweat rolled down his face. He thought about slowing down, moved to take his foot off the gas.

'Dont even think about it!', her command was a menacing hiss. He obeyed.

She was teasing him now, licking and sucking the tip. His grip on the steering wheel was deathly. Then she took him whole, and he almost died. All he could think at that moment was *What a beautiful way to die; 200mph with the woman i love* And he wasnt afraid to die here. The needle wasnt even on the speedometer anymore, and he, was no longer on earth.

He had no idea how far they went before they had to go back, but they turned around eventually. About a mile from the showroom, he pulled over and parked the car beneath a tree. He looked at Cyan, her eyes closed, she looked contented, like a cat who had just had its cream.

He took her in, she was so beautiful, even more now than she was in high school; Her big, deep brown eyes, her full, supple strawberry lips, from her defined jaw down to the curve of her beautiful neck, her skin was like silk that gently carressed her. And her breasts...

'Aaah fuck..' he cursed under his breath as he picked her up, pushed his chair all the way back and placed her on the steering wheel. Her eyes were open now and she smiled lazily at him. That smile drove him crazy, and she knew it.

She pushed her breasts together with her hands, an offering to him, but there was no time, he wanted her wetness. He pulled her hips forward and buried his face in her. She let out a moan and stroked his hair. And then she couldnt take it any longer, she needed penetration. She pushed him away, and slid, skilfully onto his hard member. She had left him unzipped on purpose. They both came instantly, the buildup had been too intense.

Trembling in each others arms as they recovered, he whispered in her ear 'I love you Cy'

'I love you too Dw, always'.

........................................................................

Even as he sat behind the wheel thinking about it, he felt himself start to stir. 'Relax', he said out loud to himself, 'there's a few errands to run this afternoon. She'll take care of it tonight'

So I thought I'd dabble a bit in short stories, but since this blog is purely fact, you can find the first product of my overactive imagination at http://entertaininginsanity.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

The Bachelor

Hi blogfam! I noticed you guys like stories. So I decided to put my hyperactive imagination to task for you who I love so much. This is my first attempt at writing a story, so be kind. This might be the first installment of a series.

They had been high school sweethearts. In all of her 36 years, she had never been with another man. She didnt mind, she had come 12 times last night.

He had occupied her thoughts all morning. She had thought about high school, how he terrorized her. They were 16. He had been beautiful then, but he had been a menace. He pulled her hair and threw crumpled up bits of paper at her when the english teacher wasnt looking. She hated him with every ounce of the crush she had on him.

Then one day, he missed and the crumpled paper bounced off the girl in front of her and onto her desk. She had picked it up to throw it back, when something caught her eye; scrawled on the paper. She smoothed it out.

"I like you, be my girl
Yes
No
Maybe
-DH"

*Sweet* her first thought, *Corny* a close second

She hurriedly scrawled her response, crumpled it back up and threw it back.

Wham!

In her rushed excitement, she hadnt noticed the teacher walk between the aisles toward her desk. He plucked it the crumpled paper out of the air. "Detention, Miss Givens".

Wham!

Another crumpled piece of paper, this time bounced off the teachers head. The entire class spun around to see whoddunnit. Dwayne just sat there, a cool, coy smile on his lips.

"Mr. Hunter. I will not have this sort of insurrection in my class. You're going to detention too!"
He smiled at her, she blushed.

Detention that day had been a dream. Mr Hargreaves, the english teacher, who they had nicknamed Pointy due to the constant bulge in his trousers was known to nod off in detention after the obvious throbbing below his waist had suspiciously subsided.

She had sat staring into space for about 10 minutes when she felt someone slide into the chair beside her. She looked over, Dwayne was looking straight ahead.

'So, your answer was "lost in the mail"' Air quotes, he always did them. One of the things she hated to love about him.

'Well, maybe it wasnt "meant to be"' She fired back, mocking him.

He turned to face her, a glint in his eyes. "I'm tired of undelivered messages"

A puzzled look on her face, 'What do y.."

His lips met hers, she hesitated, she had only ever kissed one other guy and it had been yucky, but this was different. This felt good. His lips tasted like chocolate, and strawberries, and mint. She was tingling all over...an unfamiliar sensation below her navel. She kissed him back, melted into his lips.

*Snore*Grunt*

His lips were gone, but the tingling was still there. Her eyes remained closed, her head still tilted towards him

'Snap out of it Cyan, he's waking up'; she heard the whisper. She opened her eyes slowly. Mr Hargreaves was staring at her. She stared back with defiant arched eyebrows. He excused himself to go to the restroom. They both noticed as he walked out. Dwayne looked at her with a cheeky grin and winked. Pointy was back.

While Pointy was gone (and he was gone longer than normal) Dwayne told her about how he had been tossing "yes/no/maybe" notes at her for weeks now. He only saw her in that one English class and didnt know any of her friends so he had been trying to get her attention by old-fashioned means. He didnt just pass the note because he was afraid someone would read it and he would become the laughing stock of the entire class. He even stayed behind after class and picked up all the crumpled papers so noone stumbled accross them.

His stories made her laugh. She didnt hear his words so much as feel them, washing over her body. She was lost in the sound of his voice.

Pointy eventually came back and told them they could go home. She gave Dwayne her number and he had called her that evening. Neither of them had slept that night. They talked all night, took a break to shower in the morning and had texted incessantly through the day until they met up afterwards.

She had given him her virginity that summer. She had felt safe and womanly in his capable, more experienced hands. She had melted like butter in his mouth.

They went to the same college, studied for similar degrees. Dwayne was an Electrical Engineer. She was a Hardware Analyst. He had set up a Hardware company (Hardware Hunter) on leaving college and she joined multi-national Cambridge & Foster as a graduate trainee.

Now, almost 20 years later, Hardware Hunter had acheived spectacular success and a very strong relationship with C&F where Cyan had risen very rapidly to the position of Global Head of Hardware Analysis and Procurement. They had beautiful twin 10 year olds, a happy marriage and amazing sex.

As though she weren't distracted enough by all of these memories, during a presentation she had had to give this morning, an email had popped up on her screen and equally on the projector

From: dw@hardwarehunter.com
Subject: P: Servers Flooded
Sending over a probe. ETA 15mins

The message was innocuous enough. None of her peers in the room thought anything of it. But she knew better. Dw was the pet name she'd given him and was not his official email id. It was the one he reserved solely for emails between them. "P: Servers flooded", she thought; they sure are now, she crossed her legs in an attempt to stem the gradual stream beginning to well up within her. He was cornier than ever, but he knew exactly how to get her hornier than ever.

She hurried through the rest of her presentation and practically ran to her office. She had to be ready for him when he got there. She put down her laptop and dashed back out to the bathroom. Her panties were soaked and an unnecessary obstacle. She had to get rid of them. She took them off and stuffed them in her purse and bolted back to her office, shut the blinds, checked her lipstick and sat in her chair to wait.

She had just sat down when the intercom buzzed. Charles, her assistant's voice came over the intercom; "Technician from Hardware Hunter here to see you, Mrs Hunter".

'Send him in...and hold all my calls'; he was never late, not for her.

He came in, wearing his company's overalls and a baseball hat. They had played many dress up games over the years, but this was by far her favorite. She loved the way the soft khaki of the overalls hugged his broad muscular shoulders. The way the cap cast a dark shadow over his chiseled jaw. The way his eyes shone from within that darkness, hungry eyes; the eyes of a Hunter, she was his prey. He may have been beautiful in his teens, but he was a god in his 30s.

Her eyes mirrored his hunger, taking him in from head to toe, his toned, muscular arms....

*Wait! what was that in his hand?*

To the casual observer, it could have been some sort of flash drive or mp3 player, but she was no casual observer; she recognised it. He had it last night. She always leaked a little when she looked at him, but when she saw the "bullet", especially since last night, she gushed freely.

Was he insane?! She was at work, she had to be quiet! And she wasn't quiet by nature... oh no, the maid and the gardener could testify to that. Thank God for sound-proofing for confidentiality sake, still she needed to keep it down a bit at least. He smiled at her. This wasnt going to be easy, but by Hercules it was going to be fun.

*************************************************************

Now, she sat at her desk, a picture of calm, staring at the same spot on the screen that she had been for the past 15 minutes. Her demeanour was deception. Only by looking at her hands, which gripped the desk so tightly that the blood had drained out of them, could you infer that something was amiss. She dare not move, for fear that she might literally explode. He was under her desk. His "probe" was draining her "flooded P: Server"; he was lapping up every drop of her wetness but it kept coming, at this point she was torrential.

She closed her eyes, it took every ounce of concentration to not scream. She heard the door handle, her eyes flew open, it was Charles. *That dumb kid never knocked*. He was passing along some stupid apparently important information from the CEO. She nodded; she would have said something but Dw, the sadist, had just cranked the bullet to a higher setting and even his tongue was a hurricane now. He really was trying to get her in trouble.

*This idiot would not stop talking, oh wait he's done* "You got that, Mrs Hunter?"

"Mmm. Yesssss" was all she could manage and a clearly puzzled Charles retreated to his desk.

Just as well; she came as soon as the door closed. More intense than any orgasm she had ever felt, and something was different this time, the orgasm felt more forceful. Her body tensed, her back arched and she whispered in delirium "Baby? what the fuck?".

She collapsed into her swivel chair. He could hear him now, chuckling away. Dw was laughing at her. She opened her eyes. She hadnt realised when he pushed her chair back, emerged from beneath the table and turned her around. He was wiping his face off with a handkerchief she'd given him last christmas.

"What are you giggling about?" she asked lazily.

"You ejaculated Cy" he said with a sly smile

She raised her eyebrows in horror. "Oh my god, I'm so embarassed"

"Dont be, it was sexy" he kissed her on the forehead.

"Happy Anniversary mon cherie, see you at home" he said as he kissed her lips, she could taste herself and she felt herself getting wet again.

He walked to the door, still giggling and with his hand on the doorhandle, turned around and winked at her and put his cap back on. And then he was gone.

Her eyes narrowed to slits. She whispered under hear breath"You morafocka, yes, see you at home...payback is a bitch and her name is Cyan".

after the"Awesome", things quieted down a little, with the odd fling here and there, but nothing too serious; I had exams coming up, a neglected dissertation due and not a lot of time for nookie. Then everything was said and done, i had handed in my half-assed attempt at a dissertation and I moved out of my flat, sublet it and moved back in with the parents over the summer and worked to save up mula for my move to london...so i had a boring, poon lacking summer. :(

Then I moved to London. Oh the promise of beautiful, cultured, sophisticated(read sexually deviant) southern women with sexy accents had me almost filling my boxers with joy. Needless to say, the reality didnt live up to the fantasy, disappointing.

I have two roomates, a girl (call her Pat 22) and a guy (call him Frankie, my age, 24). Both are in long term relationships (4 and 5 years respectively). And I'm the (un)lucky b*st*rd who doesnt have a significant other. So, inevitably, i'm under constant "encouragement" to find a nice girl and settle down; mostly from Pat and sometimes from Frankie....i think they're just jealous :)

Of course, I apply counter pressure on Frankie, "c'mon man, u've been in a relationship practically as long as you've known what to do with ur d*ck". I need a wingman...

Anyway, this is the argument I throw back at them:

I'm 24 years old and according to the Standard Creepiness Rule , my dating pool consists of 19-34 year olds only.

-Most women my age, i.e. 22-25 yr olds, are looking for ready-to-propose-marriage 27-30 year old men. So that rules them out. Or rules me out depending how you look at it.

-19-21 year olds are, well, drama. This is a very weird age for a female. Caught between trying to hold on to their girlhood while at the same time having to embrace the responsibility of womanhood. Still learning the proper way to "handle" men. its fine if you've been in a relationship with a girl and you grow together through this period, but starting to get involved with her at this stage is like antagonizing a wounded lioness. I dont fancy getting eaten alive tyvm(thank you very much).

-That leaves me with 25-34 year olds, and they're split into two distinct groups; confident, strong, established, independent women (my favorite kind) who are as happy single as they would be if they were getting married tomorrow...and desperate, marriage obsessed women with outstretched ring fingers.

Now, I accept that this is a bit of an over-generalisation and there are exceptions to the rule, but in my general experience, this is truth.

So, yes, I'm a happily single nomad for the moment. But any exceptional women from groups A and B are welcome to apply...and any woman from group C is particularly welcome. Yes I have a thing for older women :)

Stay sexy, in and out of bed

The Bachelor

i have to be up in 5 hours...for someone that loves sleep i sure dont get a lot of it

anyway, i've been thinking of changing my man-ho-ish ways and settling down with a nice (but preferably nasty) girl. U know, give romance a chance...but then I realized if I did that, I would be cheating you, my darling blogger family out of any potential future gist. And I love you guys way too much to do that to you.

So until further notice (further notice looks like a cross between Jessica Biel and Meagan Good, is Michelle Obama in public and Jenna Jameson in private) I remain your one and only sexually degenerate Bachelor. The things I do for you guys...

It is now 1:41am...goodnight!

The country runs better with a good looking man in office. I mean look at Gordon Brown/Richard Nixon/George Bush...No one wanted to f**k them so they f**ked everyone

a 3some!!!

yes blog family, the long awaited tale of my 3some excapades. I'll start at the beginning.

It all began with my little friend the promoter, who is probably the biggest womanizer on this planet. He would chase after anything that walked...and had a decent sized bottom. I was with him one day when he began flirting wit this jamaican girl (dancer with dreads, 34C with 48in hips) that went to our uni. I stood back and watched from a distance because I always felt slightly uneasy and embarrased at the blatantly obvious lines he would use with these girls.

Needless to say, he was unsuccessful. He sauntered off to some new conquest and the girl looked up at me and asked "is your friend serious?". I simply shrugged and smiled, didnt want to get involved. we engaged in light banter and flirted for a few minutes and, after giving her a look that told her that i would like to do things to her that would make Pamela Anderson blush, i took my leave.

The next day, I ran into her and her friend, Ibo girl on my way from class and the flirting was stepped up a notch. As I stood talking to them Ibo girl, who it now occurs to me probably also had a thing for me (such is my arrogance lol), rested her hand on my arm in that oh so obvious manner, and then

"Ooh, you have nice arms, do you work out?" And...well... I do, so I replied "Yes". That's when Jamo girl starts to feel underneath my coat, basically quaving me from abs to chest. Not knowing how to respond, I stood there like an idiot with a cheesy grin on my face that Ronald McDonald would have envied.

And thus ensued my affair of the mind with Jamo girl, wooing her with smutty poetry, smiling knowing smiles at her, regularly touching her in mildly inappropriate places, all at the same time playing it very cool and remaining very aloof. And then one day, suddenly, she was naked in my bed.

After lots and lots of heavy petting and after I had spent about an hour "south of the border", I decided it was time to "send junior to his room". And as soon as he was in...

"Wait".

"I cant do this".

I'm thinking "what the fuck is wrong with these women?!?!?"

Me i'm no rapist so i asked "Are you sure? What's wrong?" as I flipped onto my back and my proud warrior kept his head high.

Jamo Girl: Erm..I'm kinda seeing someone at the moment.
Me: Oh, so you have a boyfriend. (You couldnt have mentioned this all that time i spent feasting on roast beef)
JG: No, we're just fucking. OMG i cant believe i just said that.

I've always had a little cheek about me, so ignoring the fact that she was obviously embarrased i asked "so why cant we just fuck?"

JG:*chuckles* I really like you, but I won't feel right. I have to sort it out with the other guy first, give me a little time

that's when i literally started talking through my penis...telling her, i really like you too, forget him lets just have fun now..blah blah blah... but she wasnt having it. she wanted to do it proper or not at all

i should note, this happens a lot, my lascivious (some might say disgusting) advances on women are received as endearing because these women cannot reconcile a horny dog with someone that writes beautiful poetry (i do toot my own horn). according to their lovecrossed brains, I must have a certain "depth"...which i admit has a certain truth to it, but sometimes i just wanna, u know, knock boots.

Anyway, she had made her mind up, so I went to the bathroom, knocked it out and came back to bed...the yeye girl had the nerve to cuddle...anyway sha...i fell asleep eventually.

Next morning, I woke up to someone sitting on me...not in that way. This girl was sitting on my pelvis, buck naked and staring at me. I myself was fully unclothed and i had that morning wood.
The fuckin tease was circling the tip but would not let me in...Cruella De Ville would've been horrified by the evil.

Ok, I just realised that i've written a preamble to the threesome the size of an entire blog so i'll just tell u the cliff notes in btwn. I told her i wasnt ready for a relationship, but i still wanted to bump uglies (yes i can be that blunt). at first she said she wasnt interested in just that...then over time, through lots more flirting (i wasnt afraid to touch her anywhere anymore after that night), she ended up naked in my bed, again. and once again, i was denied after i'd given her some delicious head...i was getting tired of her shit at this point.

Fast forward to my friend the promoter's January event, aptly titled 3some...this put ideas in Jamo girls head and she told me, if i could find another willing participant, she was down. That was the shortest lived joy i have ever experienced, when i realised i would have to convince another girl to engage in our depravity. To make matters worse, i had been restricted to girls of african descent. Good luck to me.

I had all but forgotten about this offer when one night, lying in bed at 1am half asleep, my phone rang. It was Jamo girl. She was with her Ibo girl friend whose birthday it was and they had had a few drinks. The conversation went a little like this

Jamo girl: hey [my name...i almost actually typed it in just heh], what r u up to?
Me: (groggy and a little irritated)I'm in bed, wassup
JG: Well me and Ibo girl have just had a few drinks and we were talking about you. She wants to talk to you (practically forces the phone into IG's hands)
Ibo girl: Well, erm..Jamo girl wanted to ask you something (phone is passed back)
JG: (through hysterical laughter) Ibo girl wants to do something special for her birthday. would you be interested in a 3some?
Me:(eyes shooting open, any sleepiness is gone) what? really? dont fuck around.
JG: Yes are you gunna come down?
Me: Wait. u girls are about 30 mins away by cab. u'd better not back out when i get there.if i come, we're all coming tonight (slightly edited to make me sound more witty)
JG: Dont worry. Just come.

if Superman had watched the speed with which i got dressed, he would have gotten dizzy and fallen out of the sky. I downed about 3 ginseng pills, called a cab and was on my way.

On getting there i settled into the couch with a glass of hennessy and coke we talked for a couple of minutes. Apparently Ibo girl was having misgivings and it was up to me to convince her. jamo girl was down.

After i finished my drink, i pulled her up to the bedroom and laid her on the bed and proceeded to take her clothes off. And then while Jamo girl sorted out the mood music, i went to work on Ibo girl with the magic tongue. Before long, she was done trying to object and Jamo girl was too turned on to just stay watching, so she joined us; Jamo girl rode me(the first official time we had sex), while Ibo girl sat on my face. I dont know how long it lasted till i came...but it wasnt too long (such was my excitement).

I got up and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and by the time i came back, they were on each other, kissing, touching...2 naked women, right in front of me. I was singing for joy inside, but i just played it cool and stood there and watched with a sly smile on my face. It was too dark to tell who was who, but when I saw one of the bumbums rise up into the air, i knew it was time to fulfil my mission, albeit, not in missionary.

I had already put the condom on so i approached like a hyena and attacked her from behind while she fingered and licked the other girl. The other girl who i realised eventually was the Jamo girl, got up and started cheering us on when it became obvious that Ibo girl was in no condition to administer any kind of pleasure giving attention "Ooh she's feeling it now" were her exact words, as she took sick pleasure in her friends obvious state of "distress". And then, "dont use it all up on her, save some for me". Then we switched, and Ibo girl did some weird sort of 3 way 69 where she licked and fondled my balls, i hit Jamo girl from the back, and Jamo girl cunnilingued (that really should be a word) her.

At some point during this degenerate action, the sun came up. We wrapped it up after I had one of the most intensely delicious expellations of my life. We were all knackered, but Jamo girl wanted more still. Omo, man no gree..i was spent. The three of us lay in the double bed staring at the ceiling, sobered up, and realising we had actually just done it. I was, of course, sworn to secrecy. (but i have no secrets from my blogger fam).

I have since ticked that off my list of "Things to do before i'm 30". but i wont be doing it again, because I found very soon after that after a 3 way, it's very difficult to get excited by one woman.

Lawd that was a long post. Hope you enjoy.

Like any great mini-series, there will be a short hiatus (at a crucial moment) while i talk about recent developments. I will talk about the 3some next time.

Valentines day has never really been a day i celebrated. I've been happily single every vals day of my life :)...oh the money i've saved

Not so this year!!

Well i'm still technically single, but this past weekend was definitely the dumbest and most pointlessly expensive weekend of my life.

It started last Tuesday; my friend, a promoter, called me to say he needed me to come down for his Valentine's event on Friday 13th(the date should have been a reasonable enough deterrent for me). He needed me to perform some of my poetry as part of the entertainment for the evening. in exchange i'd get in for free. i gladly obliged. BIG MISTAKE!

Everything went well for most of the night. my poetry was well received, and i was having a reasonably good time; had a few drinks, and then it came time for the date auctions. My friend had asked me if i would be one of the auctionees. Once again, I obliged.

Got on stage and the bidding started at £5..fair enough..but then it ended at £11...11 flipping pounds. I could hear my ego crash to the ground, but it was all good. I know how the ladies do.

Then came the stupidness. The girl I'd been eyeing all night was put up on stage, and the bidding commenced... I should preface this by saying that two other girls had already been on stage and had managed a collective bid of £45.50. But anyway, we were bidding on a different calibre of girl now.

Auctioneer: Do I hear £5?..about ten hands went up, including, of course, yours truly.

Auctioneer: OK...£10? same 10 hands went up

Auctioneer: Seen...ok i'm just gunna shoot up to £20. a couple of hands dropped out but there was still a formidable number of bidders, and i was still in the running.

Auctioneer: £30!! only a couple of hands dropped...but still a number remained.

Then the high roller in our midst decided to up the ante; "£50!!" he proclaimed. At this point, I still had some of my wits about me, not many, but enough that i hesitated for a second(this was the only time this happened), and then tentatively put my hand up, "£55".

"£60"- The high roller was not to be outdone. My hand went up "£65".

High-roller played his first hand: "£100". (now I should mention that the total that they were trying to raise that night was £100). It was just him and me now.

This went on for the better part of 30 mins, and me, fuelled by a determination only 5 double Jack and cokes and half a bottle of wine can give, stayed with it, me and the high roller; he kept throwing up outrageous bids and giving me a defiant look, expecting me to be discouraged, but he had underestimated how stupid vast amounts of alcohol can make me.

I will spare you the sordid details, but eventually, the bidding was stopped at £310, me being the victor because we ran out of time. it may not seem so, but i say £310 without the slightest hint of non-chalance. That's a lot of money!!! For a date i'm probably not even gunna go on, different city. They said it's going to charity, but i know better...they are, after all, my friends. Now, i feel obliged to pay this fee, i made a commitment. a commitment to garri and epa for the rest of the month. And that began the start to the worst valentines day of my human career.

In addition to this, i sorta had 3 girls on the go, so i spent the rest of the day in hiding (well except, I [jr] got a little lonely and we called one of them up :p). but now I will have 'man-flu' for the rest of the month. Adios

where was I? oh yes, Bella!

after Bella, blue balls in hand, broken heart in chest, i decided to move on swiftly..and move on swiftly i did. Bella's episode ended in June/July 2007, by October, there had been three others; let's call em 22 (as in 34-22-40- LAWD ALMIGHTAY!!), Geek Connection ( we connected on a level of geekiness i still dont understand) [i have to apologise for the lack of imagination in coming up with these names but i'm suffering from 'cant be bothered'] and miss 'I-have-a-boyfriend-but-I'll flirt-with-you-and-give-you-false-hope-cause-u're-cute-and-u-know-just-in-case'...mouthful i know.

like i said, cant be bothered today, so i'll give you the cliffnotes

22- She was cute but she just seemed too easily distracted, like she had ADD or something (even though i know for a fact that she didnt), i got tired of the yo-yoing so i let it go
GC- She was cool (kinda overlapped with 22) but she was indecisive. She liked me, but she had work, about 90hrs a week. Eventually I moved, and it fizzled.
The third one needs no further explaining.

So after all of this, I went back to school, final year. And the flood began. I was supposed to be focusing on final year lectures and my dissertation, but the devil would not have it.

The number of pretty girls showing me unnecessary attention at this crucial point in my life was ludicrous. Like I was in season or something. and foolish me, i decided to enjoy myself. Afterall, i had a guaranteed job offer, regardless of grade when i graduated.

I'm not going to go into the details, or even try and list all of them, because, i am slightly ashamed to say, I was...and am still slightly, a ho/slag/ashi/slut/(insert local colloquialism); but i will say, during the course of the year, i had my first menage a three/unholy trinity/...

...however u say it...i had my first threesome!!

more in next post