i found myself smiling back at someone who was clearly amused and had made eye contact with me. Then it struck me. Why were we smiling? This guy was very obviously distressed and he was lamenting about some serious issues. So why did we find entertainment in his situation?

These circumstances are the things that make me realise the truth of the Bible when it says that we do not know the evil that lurks within our own hearts. This man was not trying to be a clown. Maybe he had mental issues.

He may even just have life issues....but are either of those what any of us would refer to as comedy?

He ranted and raved for at least 20 minutes of the ride but in all that time, not one person (myself included) stopped to speak to him, asked him what was wrong. We all just laughed and chuckled, chuckled and smiled.

Why were we surprised when he turned on us? Told us all we were a bunch of rodents and we were all going to hell (I reject that in Jesus' name)

Some of us laughed him off dismissively when he spoke directly to us...some of us just plain ignored him.

Is this the society we live in today? We dont just "dont care" anymoer. We actually delight in the sufferings of others. Is this truly who we are?

If it is, God help us.

- people who say things to make themselves appear inarticulate in order to seem "cool" (eg. people who say "mans")

-people who attempt to fake eloquence by overcomplicating simple statements (eg. people who say "myself" or "yourself" in the place of "me" or "you")

-people who correct proper english with improper english (eg. "I'll give it to you" corrected with "I'll give it you")~supplied by Roro

-people who ALWAYS know the right thing to do and will not rest till you know that they know and consequently accept their advice

-people who dont know but pretend like they know and then get u in trouble for doing it their way

-REPETITION. if i've heard it once before, or twice, or 1000 times and nothings changed..what makes u think saying it now will make a difference?

-"Discussions" that are really lectures. If the only sound u hear come from me is "Yes" "Okay" "Mhmm" then it lacks the give and take of a discussion. I will treat it like i treat all my lectures. (Daydream about Jessica Alba).

-people telling me I speak good english. Yes. I did. but now u said that I'm gunna cuss u all day im my mother tongue.

-IDIOTS...you know who u r

-people who explain things by saying "That's just the way it is/done/has always been"

-senseless tradition along with people who embrace it without fully understanding why (robots)

-ISMs...why do we kid ourselves? Deep down we're all EVERYBODYELSE-IST

-university education. is it really worth 3 yrs and 30 grand to learn stuff ur never gunna use again?

-garage, speed garage, house, grime "music" (i apologise to all my british brothers and sisters...but i just dont get it)...some hip-hop as well

virtual babies...why?

-the word "GEEZER"...i swear if that word ever comes out of my mouth in conversation, i'm stabbing everyone i ever heard use it

-people who say "lol" or "brb" or "lmao" in spoken conversation...what the hell is wrong with u?

It's starting to get quite irritating. It first started last summer. Living in the beautifully sunny (NOT) England that I do, it rained everyday of the summer....then I bought an umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay.

Nothing but blue skies and sun for 3 wks, even though I carried my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay (yes i'm gunna do that everytime i say umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay...hehe) everywhere I went. Then one day Deloitte put us on a coach for our 2 day new starters orientation in Birmingham. I forgot my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay on the coach. I had NEVER opened that umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay since the day I bought it...it was practically brand new, never used. That hurt.

It rained elephants and rhinos the next day!

And it kept raining. I thought it was a fluke and bought another umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay(=p ok i'll stop now). We had Southern California weather for a month. Then I left the umbrella on the train. I step out of the train station, sun's still shining, it's all good...no. It rained and I was soaked by the time I got home.

By that time winter was nearing so I decided to just grin and bear it. If I got wet I got wet...invested in hoodies. Then at the start of the summer I decided to get another umbrella cause it was raining practically everyday. No rain from that day onwards until...Graduation day, I forget my umbrella at home...

I GOT SOAKED IN MY SUIT!!!

Learned my lesson, carried my umbrella everywhere I went....until this really sunny day...beautiful 23 degree(80F) weather...i wore shorts...left my umbrella at home (forgot it). As a joke, I sent my friend a text to warn her of rain since I had forgot my umbrella. I didnt really believe it...

I was at work all day and only went outside at about 7pm.

Torrential rains....TORRENTIAL! I was wearing shorts and a Tshirt!! Had no umbrella and was taking public transport home. Needless to say I got drenched and now wherever I go, no matter the weather, I always carry my umbrella...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay

I been thinking about what kinda father I'm gunna be... (no, that clock is NOT ticking and I'm not looking to get any girls pregnant)...but it was a thought. I dont wanna turn into MY father. As much as I love him, and as much as he tries, he's a nag. And as a result, I dont talk to him about most things

I dont want to be a nagging dad. I want my son to talk to me.

I want him to tell me when he's done right

I want him to tell me when he's don wrong.

I want him to tell me about the first girl he likes.

I want him to tell me when she doesnt like him back and it hurts

I want him to tell me when she does like him back and they'r going on their first date so I can teach him how to deal with her father.

I want to teach him how to throw a football (i need to go and learn first)

I want to teach him to fall in love with poetry and reading and writing.

I want him to know that while he is entitled to his privacy, he is free to come to me about anything and it'll be our little secret. Yes, I want secrets with my son, his mother doesnt have to know everything. I'm sure there'll be some things he can only tell her too.

I want him to say "thank you" when I punish him because he understands the reason he's getting punished and is grateful to have parents that care enough to punish him. LOL. Ok, I know, pigs fly and all that, I would probably be a lil freaked out if my son said "thank you" after a spanking.

I want to introduce him to old school music, Luther Vandross, Ray Charles, Marvin Gaye...so we can both sing off key in the car while his mother and sister cringe.

I want to teach him to walk with dignity, to talk with integrity

I want to teach to apologise for mistakes he might make, but never for who he is.

I want him to know that it's OK to make mistakes as long as he learns from them.

I want to tell him that he can be anything HE wants to be as long as he's happy and it's in God's will.

Yes, he will know God, it's not a want, it's a WILL. He will know and worship Him and love Him just like I do and his path will be made straight.

I want him to believe

After a brief break from the women (by that i mean exams), i decided to allow GG and all her friends. E don tire me for them anyway, too much wahala. A friend of mine was having a birthday BBQ and had invited me. U know me, I cant say no to free chicken man.

That's where I got introduced to "Bella". I had actually met Bella briefly about a year before at another friend's send-off party and I thot the babe was pretty hot, but she just seemed really angry that night and me i dont have time for ejo(drama) so I had allowed her.

Bella was one of those Naija girls that grew up in london with naij parents. The ones that get sent to secondary school in naij to acquire some "discipline" lol. Yea, one of those. They talk with a british accent but have a very Naija mentality. Me I didnt know this at first o. I just saw "fine girl" na so my eye shine

Anyway, she was at this BBQ with her friend Tash and Tash was a very nice, also pretty hot babe (but i had eyes for Bella sha). Tash was more friendly tho, so we got to talking quite a bit while Bella just sat in the corner and would say something every now and then. Tash now started telling me that Bella had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was just looking for some good fun.(I think she was trying to set us up..thank God for best friends). This is when my eyes started to shine even more! That's how i started making more of an effort to talk to the babe but she sef was frontin, so I excused myself for a bit to go and talk to my friends...maybe she just needed to be starved of attention a bit.

I came back and this girl was gone! Her friends were looking for her, crying and all, worried out of their minds. Apparently, shorty had left with some dude!! See me see wahala!

I COULD HAVE BEEN THAT DUDE!!

Man I was so vexed. The chick came back sha, it turned out the guy was just a friend and they had just walked down the street to talk. I was about to leave when she got back so I collected her number and bounced.

I called her a few days later and we started talking...this girl started giving me a list of reasons why we cant date

I'm older than you (so? it was only by 8 months sef)

Our star signs aren't perfectly compatible (Shuo? This girl na winch?)

You're short, and I only date tall guys (...

First of all, this was a very sensitive topic at that time as I hadnt fully come to terms with my height, I have now. I'm 5ft8, she's 5"4...i know her ex...he was about 5"6, so i didnt see her point)

All of these should have been warning signs for me to run. And usually it would be the kinda "scoin,scoin"(see "Fineboy") that would have me running, but I no gree run for this one o. She just too fine. So I persevered. I said I will see her when I come to london for the summer.

I got to london and we hung out for a bit...then her parents went to Nig and she invited me to her crib one friday night for some wine (omo see as i dey happy).I got there and she made me watch Dreamgirls. Ok, ok, as much as i hate to admit it it was a good movie. Anyhow sha, the movie finishes at like 1am and she wants to put on another one. I was like "nah, let's just talk".

At that point we had finished 2 bottles of Rose and were halfway thru the third...i hadnt eaten since lunch except for some chocolate(and I HATE an empty glass and LOATHE a full glass so i'm constantly re-filling, drinking, re-filling, drinking), so the alcohol was getting to me a lil more than usual..that's how me who is usually quite quiet and reserved started spitting all kinds of game mehn. I was saying all kinds of stuff to get this girl to kiss me sha...and she just kept playing hard to get...but i no gree give up until...

Bella - ok then. *grabs my head and shoves her tongue in my mouth*

I was ready mehn. I tongue wrestled the shit out of her, then after a few minutes..

Bella - ur a really good kisser actually

Me - Well ur not so bad urself

Bella - not so bad? I'll show u not so bad *pushes me off...and gets on top of me* (dont get any ideas, we were both fully clothed...unfortunately)

So we're rolling around her bed, dancing the dance and I unhook her bra and try to take her top off. No such luck...this girl would not let me...so i tried to take off her pants (if there's one place I love to go its downtown...and the ladies usually love it) but this girls stopped me....

her excuse is that she can be quite loud and her bro was in the next room...stupid bro...GO OUT...IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!!

anyway sha i'm thinking, so i'm sleeping in this girls bed and all we're gunna do is make out? what rubbish? then i roll over and lie on my back so she can catch her breath...this girl now begins undoing my belt buckle and slides her hand into my boxers

"I feel like doing something naughty"

*Smiling* Go ahead have fun

She starts to rub it until junior starts to wake up, until he's at full attention, then she lowers her head and touches it with her lips (in my mind i'm thinking "YATAAAA"..hehe...think Hiro Nakamura)

"Nah, i dont think so...not tonight"

FUCKIN' TEASE!! God punish u!!

I was too drunk to go home and it was lyk 4 in the morning anyway, but I wasnt about to beg some trick for a blowjob, I was too drunk to give a shit anyway...my mind drifted off to other things, Junior calmed down, and I went to sleep.

Capetown was South African. Stunning with a ton of swag. She always had a knowing half-cocked smile that intrigued me.

She was also one of Ghana Girl's closest friends.

GG told me that when she first met her, she hadnt liked her at all. She was a bit alarmed at this person that wrote poetry like she did, loved all the same non-commercial music that she did, this person who was "her" in so many ways.

Then she realised it would be fun to have someone to talk to about intellectual music as opposed to the latest Chris Brown track. To converse with about the breadth of J Ivy's written word in contrast to the depth of Dahlak Braithwaite's spoken word. And then they really hit it off

GG introduced me to her "really cool friend" Capetown in Febuary 2007. At first I was a little cautious of her and her knowing, half-cocked smile. Then we got to talking and I began to think

"This girl is kinda cool".

Somewhere between the end of march and the middle of april, I asked GG for "permission" to date her friend since we had this thing NOT going on between us. She said it was cool...matter of fact she encouraged me, said it was a "fantastic idea".

We went out a few times, but when I kissed her I realised I couldnt be with her. When I kissed her, there was nothing.

.

I had to end it.

She was very understanding. She had never thought it was a good idea to date since I had liked her friend first. So all was good in the hood. And we remained friends.

This was before the drunken kiss i mentioned in my previous post. Making Capetown half the reason for my title; "Friend Kisser"

the past year or so has been ..well..interesting to say the least...I've had a total mindshift from the place I was in, say, 15 months ago.

It all started with Ghana Girl. Calm, sultry, sexy Ghana Girl. Toned and voluptuous (36DD, 46hips). She was like the ying to my yang. We had the same tastes in music, poetry (she wrote as well, beautiful, intimidating poetry) she was my muse. She was a good girl but she loved sex (we went to an STD awareness event and she grabbed about 50 durexes for herself, got me to grab about 20 and got another one of her friends to grab a few...2 weeks later, she told me they were gone)...but only with her boyfriend. Oh how I tried to break them up... She was meant for me..to be MY girl..and she didnt help when she said "If I wasn't in a situation, you and I would be in a situation"....

So of course I tried to break em up...

But she loved her boyfriend, and she didnt know me very well...still I didnt lose hope...until...

I KISSED HER FRIEND!!!

We had all gone clubbing that night and I had just got paid so I got pretty plastered...and I bought her and her friends quite a few drinks too...(one of them indulged my generosity a little more than the others..between the two of us I think we had about 10 rum and cokes and maybe 5 or 6 vodka redbulls)...we were wasted. Anyway, at the end of the night we're parking lot pimpin' and i go to give homegirl a hug and she plants a big wet one on me...

Now I'm drunk, straight, and her lips taste good, so I pull her back for another one. I dont know how long it lasted but at some point during, her friends must've looked over cause I hear "what is she doing?" at which point she pulls away. Now, her official story is

I was drunk, I dont remember, I didnt know what I was doing, he took advantage of me....

WHAT?

I was drunk too. I do remember. She had been trying to kiss me all night on the dance floor. I didnt purposely make her drunk. I was just in a generous mood....i think u took advantage of me u silly lil trick. So now I'm known as the friend kisser because I've kissed two of her friends (the other one is another story) and I have no chance now with GG or any of her friends as she now loves to "spoil show" for me. We remain friends tho.

I was going to tell u about my entire year in this one post but taking into consideration how long it's taking to speak about one person, i may have to split this up into a series. I'll figure out how i'll split em up later.

But for now, remember it all started with Ghana Girl

I have struggled with my identity for a long time. This is as a result of growing up under the tutelage of an extremely overbearing father (I love my father very much and I try to understand that it's because he wants the best for me, but sometimes, it does just get too much to bear).

I'm 23 yrs old and yet I feel like I have no autonomy to make my own decisiions. He wants to be involved in, and consulted on, everything. From my career choice, all the way down to how I do my laundry....my f*****g LAUNDRY!! And even when he isnt consulted, he feels the need to profer his "advice" (really it's more like 'do what i say or i will nag u till u give in').

I hide stuff that I buy from him because of the "so how much was that one now"s that inevitably lead to the "are you sure you're on top of your finances"s. I'm flipping 23 yrs old and this man is trying to tell me how to spend the money I used my own sweat to make. My own sweat! And he's trying to tell me how to spend it?!?!?! He said this a couple of days ago (i paraphrase somewhat but i try to quote him as closely as possible):

I know you like nice things, but dont buy the "top of the range", even if you can afford it. You are too young to be sporting designer clothes and the like. If you have extra money, you should divert it into savings and investments and then later on in life when you are comfortable you can start buying those expensive things. Take a cue from me...

I concede that there is a certain wisdom to the mans argument. Saving is important. But I'm going into a decent job and will be making enough to save a decent chunk and STILL be able to afford some luxuries. Bear in mind, this man is now nearing 50, with a FAT bank account but still holding on to his time honed frugal habits. If you saw my dad in the streets, you would never be able to guess how much he's worth. I only know because I "stumbled" accross some financial documents and this man is MINTED!

I guess it's a good thing that he remains humble and self-sacrificing, but that's the life he chose for himself. It's time he let me make a decision about my life.

It's not just money...

Every decision I make, depending on whether he agrees or not, is either vetoed or "encouraged" so much so that it eventually seems like it was his idea and not mine.

I'M 23!!!!

Turning 24 this year and this man is still trying to run my life. I have a curfew when I'm at his house...a flippin CURFEW!

He's trying to get me talking about what kinda qualities I'm looking for in a wife...probably trying to make that decision for me as well...so glad I still have YEARS to think about that decision

oh he already tried to set me up with someone...3 yrs ago...before i was even in the country...he still asks till this day why i wasnt interested...and i wanna say "BECAUSE U CHOSE HER!!" She's actually pretty cool and we might have had a different story if he wasnt trying to set us up...but that's another story

He is constantly bugging me about different things and doesnt know when to let something slide...i mentioned laundry earlier...today's spiel was about me washing my boxers in the washing machine when i should be doing it by hand...WHAT? what the hell is the washing machine there for? I told him quite frankly that i did not see the point of giving myself unnecessary work and he said i was just being lazy...i thot to myself.."well in this instance i can afford to be!

My point is...why argue about a thing like that? In the grand scheme of things, I dont think my destiny is going to be preconcluded on whether I washed my boxers by hand or machine.

Sometimes I think the man isnt trying to raise a son...he's trying to raise a robot, a clone of himself but without flaws...he's trying to raise me perfect...but i'm not perfect and i dont want to be perfect...i just want to be me; quirky, driven, ambitious, creative, indecisive, playful, hardworking, friendly, inspired, God-fearing me.

But I'm still his son. He is still my father.

i recently found myself in the backseat of a KA....getting a ride from work to the train station...in the BACKSEAT OF A FORD KA... it seemed quite representative of all the places i dont want to be in life...cramped, restricted, trapped, but most especially IN THE BACKSEAT OF A F*****G KA!

I'm at work a half hour early today, so I thot I'd do a quick post highlighting the women that have come and gone in my life thus far. I'm using pseudonyms, but if any of u are reading this u know who u are:

Committed (as in to a mental facility) ~ no, she wasnt crazy, but we were crazy together...it was our thing. She was my first...my first nothing, in a time when i was young, inexperienced and shy, she was young inexperienced and shy...we were friends first and then we added a title...but the dynamic of our friendship never changed...i still wish I had kissed her...

Quickie~ I call her that because this was the quickest relationship I was in and out of. It lasted one whole day.

Nightime ~ I never saw her in the daytime, but the sex was amazing.

Inexperienced~ My longest lasting relationship(5 months!! lol) and still a good friend.

Oreo ~ My little Nubian Queen, black as coal on the outside, white as snow on the inside. More on her later

Bigot ~ She hated foreigners, but she loved me, she lied about her age, she lied about her experience, she had a hot body...and I gave up sex for her.

Crazy lady~ This one really was crazy. We would break up and make up about 10 times a week. I knew I needed to get out because it was a long distance thing and u know how those are..More later.

and last but definitely not least

LOML ~ The one constant, been there thru the years. And she will be the one constant on this blog...

That was just till the beginning of last year, I'll talk about the more recent ones in subsequent posts. Time to get to work

Forget the fraud, forget yahooze
Forget the 419 and scam artists
Forget the corruption, forget the abuse of power
Forget the harrasment of men who swore in uniform to protect
Forget the bribes, forget Bar beach
So i dont speak my mother tongue fluently
I may no longer enunciate in the colorful tones of the Yoruba accent
I may not appreciate ALL of the tradition
But i'm still proud to be Nigerian
I'm proud because underneath the rubble of our current state
Lies a treasure in the fullness of our culture
The arch of our women's backs
Carved by centuries of calabash carrying
The chocolate ebony of their skin
Deepened by long treks under hot Nigerian sun
The history of Olumo Rock, its permanence
Helps me overlook the cracks in Aso
I'm proud to be Nigerian even with the stigma it carries
I'm proud to be Nigerian whatever reputation it may afford me
I'm proud, because He made me Nigerian
And He never makes mistakes

so i'm looking at her with my mouth open, hardly able to believe what i just heard

"do i look like ur uncle? silly girl...how old are u? how old do u think i am?"

it was quite upsetting...i'm 23...NOBODY is allowed to call me uncle...i dont care how young...your 3 yr old son or daughter is not allowed to call me uncle...my name is...well those of u that know my name know my name...but do NOT call me uncle

silly little girl

I want to introduce you to the love of my life...or as i affectionately call her, LOML. I've known her for as long as I can remember but we only recently began to get really close and started to realise that there existed something between us. She is probably the person I care most about in this world and the yardstick no other woman can measure up against and I wish I had started this blog earlier, so I could have introduced her in all her glory. But this is the way it's turned out. She will remain nameless as will everyone who I talk about on this blog, but u can refer to her as LOML. The one I esteem greatly and love deeply. The most amazing woman that ever lived.

So, I said I wished I had introduced her earlier. That's because as I speak of her today, it is under a cloud of humanness. She recently committed an error of judgement that hurt me. And I tried to understand why I was hurt. Our relationship is very complex and open and as such she is free to do as she pleases as am I. I've never had a problem in the past with her being involved with a guy because we have an understanding in our relationship...we remain LOMLs. But this time was different, and I cant go into detail about it because it's really none of ur business, but there's a line....

Anyway, she asked me to forgive her, and at first, not feeling like I had a right to be hurt in the first place, I didnt know how. But she is the love of my life and I didnt need to think about it that long. I now know why I was hurt, and I know why I must forgive her and in my pensiveness I picked up a pen and wrote:


You

You
Who I esteem greatly
Who I hold closest to my heart
You
With your sarcastic nature
You
Who I have everything and nothing in common with
You
Who is simultaneously totally right and totally wrong for me
I love your cynicism
I love your wit
I love the fact that we agree that our parents are the single
most stressing factor in our lives
I admire everything about u
And I saw no fault in u
So when u told me, I felt something break inside of me
For I had never imagined a weakness in you
My mind painted a perfect picture of u
And this ill-placed brush stroke like graffiti accross the face of art
It perturbed my soul
So when I told you I was hurting, it wasnt really your doing
Because I now realise that no human being can live up to the perfection
of the picture I painted of you
And you are human
So I forgive you
I forgive your humanness
And I forgive myself for trying to take that away from you
You
Who I still hold nearest to my heart
You
Who is still the single most important person in my life
You
Who remains the undying love of my life,
And I still love you, now more than ever

WTF?? ....i'm gunna go shave...be back to rant

my life

is an open book

with blank pages

it's not for you to read

but for me to write

i'm re-evaluating my reasoning for starting this blog...i'm doing this as a way to say the things that i want to say in true damn-the-consequences fashion. not like the diplomat that I am in the real world. so in a sense, my life on blogger is totally different from my life.

but still i'm sensing certain similarities. i have inadvertently compartmentalized my blogs. all aspects kept seperate, just like my real life...friends kept separate, from family, kept seperate from finance, kept separate from romance, kept separate from me.

so as i write to share myself with you, i realise that i share myself in tiny little pieces at a time...i've always been this way, and i cannot or will not change...it's the way I am. The people who know the most about me dont really know me, they only know what i show them.

even as i write this i realise that this must be true for most people and as such this post is moot.

I've always considered myself a fair man. The type of man that would rather die than hurt a woman. I thought I was better than most men. Not an animal.

But I now realise that...well... I am. It's not something I can do anything about. It's ingrained in that XY gene that gave me my 21st appendage (or my 5th limb depends how u look at it). I didnt really have a say in the matter, I just am. Now the choice that's left to me and to every other man is as to what animal to be. We have two choices:

- mean, vicious, but faithful dog.

-or dirty, disgusting pig.

i choose the former. and I try to remain that way in all my dealings with women...knowing that they can be b*****s themselves...and i say that not to disrespect women, cause i really do respect women, but they know, ladies, u know when u get in that mood where u sit on a brother's last nerve till it cant stand the weight of u and he snaps...that's another story.

So anyway, i discovered this about myself and accepted it. I will try to be the best man (or dog) I can be...blunted fangs, muted claws and all...and this is my journey to becoming that

i was talking to beloved the other day and she went on a bender about the current programming on BET. the ridiculous profusion of really crap "reality" shows, College Hill, Hell Date, Baldwin Hills...to name a few of the worst offenders.

Anyway it got me thinking about "reality"(sorry i can't say reality without the quotes...it wouldnt be right) shows and the people that get on them. It's like a modern day slavery with people doing whatever the network bosses say in order to get the carrot dangled in front of the donkeys nose...anyway...i wrote:

Negnorance

You prance about on tv
Showing the entire world your shame
You've given them your dignity
The price you had to pay for fame
Now the whole world knows your name
But for entirely wrong reasons
You brought disgrace to your family
And still you're signed up for next season
You don't realise you're in chains
A true modern day slave
Exploited by the "Masser"
The media made you all the rage
Going "Yessa Big Brother", "Thank you ver much Big Brother"
Locked away and at their mercy for your food and drink
Seems awfully familiar...

I havent written anything in a loooooooooooooong time...it has actually been quite distressing because everytime i put pen to paper, trying to conjure up words i end up writing 2 or three lines and then it doesnt feel right anymore...so i have a LOT of unfinished pieces on my phone. But the other day, sitting on a bus, I decided to just write words, whatever would come out of me....this is the result...I call it my "end to drought"


It's a stalemate
Me looking at Him
Him looking at me
Nothing changing..no progress is made
Not one drop of ink will leak from this pen
Until I feel an ounce of emotion
So I stare at blank lined A4
That mirrors the emptiness of my life
Lived between the lines
Trying to direct my flow as though it were scripted...as though it were mine
But the page remains blank..
'Til I realise that there are no guidelines

So I begin to write
Not between the lines this time
But all over the page
In crude, distorted letters
In no particular direction, in no predetermined order
I let the words spill out on paper
Like rain
Following the Spirit like raindrops follow the wind
No pattern to it
It just pours
And then comes the storm
Scaring religious old ladies with its intensity
Frightening them with it's unpredictability
Causing those who understand to smile
To laugh, to go dancing in the rain

so i've found myself in a bit of a rut lately. i've gotten a little moody and people are starting to notice. they ask me what's wrong and i cant really tell them because i dont really know. Well if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I DO know...and the reason I cant tell them is that they would probably hate me.

You see, my current state of funk is owed in most part to my environment, of which these people are a part. I have become quite intolerant of stupidity and these people have it in buckets..no, tankers. And when I'm quiet and I refuse to join in their foolishness, they ask me why I'm in a mood and I wont lie, I'm very, VERY tempted to tell them that their idiocy is driving me crazy...that I want to grab a stapler and pin the word IDIOT to each and every one of their foreheads. I'm not playing either...I've sat there and planned it out...how much paper I would need...actually typed up the word in big bold letters and gotten inches away from hitting the print button.

I've always tried to be the kind of person that keeps a positive attitude, no matter where I am, keep a smile on my face, cheer others up. But I cant do it here, i'm surrounded by so much negativity, back-stabbing, gossiping, rumor-mongering, name-calling, politics...u name it...they do it. I feel like Lot in Sodom. This is NOT my place. I'm so glad I leave in 2 weeks.

They say even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your personality
I love your sense of humore, ur wit, our conversations
I admire the way u think
The depth of ur soul
I feel connecte to ur spirit
But u still better look good

See I also like that 34, 24, 46
Cute smile with the thick red lips
Thick figure with a tiny waist
With legs that go on for days
Eyes that shine like the stars
And perfect teeth that glisten from afar

Cause even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your wonderful personality
But I'm sayin...hunnie, u gotta look good