a 3some!!!

yes blog family, the long awaited tale of my 3some excapades. I'll start at the beginning.

It all began with my little friend the promoter, who is probably the biggest womanizer on this planet. He would chase after anything that walked...and had a decent sized bottom. I was with him one day when he began flirting wit this jamaican girl (dancer with dreads, 34C with 48in hips) that went to our uni. I stood back and watched from a distance because I always felt slightly uneasy and embarrased at the blatantly obvious lines he would use with these girls.

Needless to say, he was unsuccessful. He sauntered off to some new conquest and the girl looked up at me and asked "is your friend serious?". I simply shrugged and smiled, didnt want to get involved. we engaged in light banter and flirted for a few minutes and, after giving her a look that told her that i would like to do things to her that would make Pamela Anderson blush, i took my leave.

The next day, I ran into her and her friend, Ibo girl on my way from class and the flirting was stepped up a notch. As I stood talking to them Ibo girl, who it now occurs to me probably also had a thing for me (such is my arrogance lol), rested her hand on my arm in that oh so obvious manner, and then

"Ooh, you have nice arms, do you work out?" And...well... I do, so I replied "Yes". That's when Jamo girl starts to feel underneath my coat, basically quaving me from abs to chest. Not knowing how to respond, I stood there like an idiot with a cheesy grin on my face that Ronald McDonald would have envied.

And thus ensued my affair of the mind with Jamo girl, wooing her with smutty poetry, smiling knowing smiles at her, regularly touching her in mildly inappropriate places, all at the same time playing it very cool and remaining very aloof. And then one day, suddenly, she was naked in my bed.

After lots and lots of heavy petting and after I had spent about an hour "south of the border", I decided it was time to "send junior to his room". And as soon as he was in...

"Wait".

"I cant do this".

I'm thinking "what the fuck is wrong with these women?!?!?"

Me i'm no rapist so i asked "Are you sure? What's wrong?" as I flipped onto my back and my proud warrior kept his head high.

Jamo Girl: Erm..I'm kinda seeing someone at the moment.
Me: Oh, so you have a boyfriend. (You couldnt have mentioned this all that time i spent feasting on roast beef)
JG: No, we're just fucking. OMG i cant believe i just said that.

I've always had a little cheek about me, so ignoring the fact that she was obviously embarrased i asked "so why cant we just fuck?"

JG:*chuckles* I really like you, but I won't feel right. I have to sort it out with the other guy first, give me a little time

that's when i literally started talking through my penis...telling her, i really like you too, forget him lets just have fun now..blah blah blah... but she wasnt having it. she wanted to do it proper or not at all

i should note, this happens a lot, my lascivious (some might say disgusting) advances on women are received as endearing because these women cannot reconcile a horny dog with someone that writes beautiful poetry (i do toot my own horn). according to their lovecrossed brains, I must have a certain "depth"...which i admit has a certain truth to it, but sometimes i just wanna, u know, knock boots.

Anyway, she had made her mind up, so I went to the bathroom, knocked it out and came back to bed...the yeye girl had the nerve to cuddle...anyway sha...i fell asleep eventually.

Next morning, I woke up to someone sitting on me...not in that way. This girl was sitting on my pelvis, buck naked and staring at me. I myself was fully unclothed and i had that morning wood.
The fuckin tease was circling the tip but would not let me in...Cruella De Ville would've been horrified by the evil.

Ok, I just realised that i've written a preamble to the threesome the size of an entire blog so i'll just tell u the cliff notes in btwn. I told her i wasnt ready for a relationship, but i still wanted to bump uglies (yes i can be that blunt). at first she said she wasnt interested in just that...then over time, through lots more flirting (i wasnt afraid to touch her anywhere anymore after that night), she ended up naked in my bed, again. and once again, i was denied after i'd given her some delicious head...i was getting tired of her shit at this point.

Fast forward to my friend the promoter's January event, aptly titled 3some...this put ideas in Jamo girls head and she told me, if i could find another willing participant, she was down. That was the shortest lived joy i have ever experienced, when i realised i would have to convince another girl to engage in our depravity. To make matters worse, i had been restricted to girls of african descent. Good luck to me.

I had all but forgotten about this offer when one night, lying in bed at 1am half asleep, my phone rang. It was Jamo girl. She was with her Ibo girl friend whose birthday it was and they had had a few drinks. The conversation went a little like this

Jamo girl: hey [my name...i almost actually typed it in just heh], what r u up to?
Me: (groggy and a little irritated)I'm in bed, wassup
JG: Well me and Ibo girl have just had a few drinks and we were talking about you. She wants to talk to you (practically forces the phone into IG's hands)
Ibo girl: Well, erm..Jamo girl wanted to ask you something (phone is passed back)
JG: (through hysterical laughter) Ibo girl wants to do something special for her birthday. would you be interested in a 3some?
Me:(eyes shooting open, any sleepiness is gone) what? really? dont fuck around.
JG: Yes are you gunna come down?
Me: Wait. u girls are about 30 mins away by cab. u'd better not back out when i get there.if i come, we're all coming tonight (slightly edited to make me sound more witty)
JG: Dont worry. Just come.

if Superman had watched the speed with which i got dressed, he would have gotten dizzy and fallen out of the sky. I downed about 3 ginseng pills, called a cab and was on my way.

On getting there i settled into the couch with a glass of hennessy and coke we talked for a couple of minutes. Apparently Ibo girl was having misgivings and it was up to me to convince her. jamo girl was down.

After i finished my drink, i pulled her up to the bedroom and laid her on the bed and proceeded to take her clothes off. And then while Jamo girl sorted out the mood music, i went to work on Ibo girl with the magic tongue. Before long, she was done trying to object and Jamo girl was too turned on to just stay watching, so she joined us; Jamo girl rode me(the first official time we had sex), while Ibo girl sat on my face. I dont know how long it lasted till i came...but it wasnt too long (such was my excitement).

I got up and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and by the time i came back, they were on each other, kissing, touching...2 naked women, right in front of me. I was singing for joy inside, but i just played it cool and stood there and watched with a sly smile on my face. It was too dark to tell who was who, but when I saw one of the bumbums rise up into the air, i knew it was time to fulfil my mission, albeit, not in missionary.

I had already put the condom on so i approached like a hyena and attacked her from behind while she fingered and licked the other girl. The other girl who i realised eventually was the Jamo girl, got up and started cheering us on when it became obvious that Ibo girl was in no condition to administer any kind of pleasure giving attention "Ooh she's feeling it now" were her exact words, as she took sick pleasure in her friends obvious state of "distress". And then, "dont use it all up on her, save some for me". Then we switched, and Ibo girl did some weird sort of 3 way 69 where she licked and fondled my balls, i hit Jamo girl from the back, and Jamo girl cunnilingued (that really should be a word) her.

At some point during this degenerate action, the sun came up. We wrapped it up after I had one of the most intensely delicious expellations of my life. We were all knackered, but Jamo girl wanted more still. Omo, man no gree..i was spent. The three of us lay in the double bed staring at the ceiling, sobered up, and realising we had actually just done it. I was, of course, sworn to secrecy. (but i have no secrets from my blogger fam).

I have since ticked that off my list of "Things to do before i'm 30". but i wont be doing it again, because I found very soon after that after a 3 way, it's very difficult to get excited by one woman.

Lawd that was a long post. Hope you enjoy.

Like any great mini-series, there will be a short hiatus (at a crucial moment) while i talk about recent developments. I will talk about the 3some next time.

Valentines day has never really been a day i celebrated. I've been happily single every vals day of my life :)...oh the money i've saved

Not so this year!!

Well i'm still technically single, but this past weekend was definitely the dumbest and most pointlessly expensive weekend of my life.

It started last Tuesday; my friend, a promoter, called me to say he needed me to come down for his Valentine's event on Friday 13th(the date should have been a reasonable enough deterrent for me). He needed me to perform some of my poetry as part of the entertainment for the evening. in exchange i'd get in for free. i gladly obliged. BIG MISTAKE!

Everything went well for most of the night. my poetry was well received, and i was having a reasonably good time; had a few drinks, and then it came time for the date auctions. My friend had asked me if i would be one of the auctionees. Once again, I obliged.

Got on stage and the bidding started at £5..fair enough..but then it ended at £11...11 flipping pounds. I could hear my ego crash to the ground, but it was all good. I know how the ladies do.

Then came the stupidness. The girl I'd been eyeing all night was put up on stage, and the bidding commenced... I should preface this by saying that two other girls had already been on stage and had managed a collective bid of £45.50. But anyway, we were bidding on a different calibre of girl now.

Auctioneer: Do I hear £5?..about ten hands went up, including, of course, yours truly.

Auctioneer: OK...£10? same 10 hands went up

Auctioneer: Seen...ok i'm just gunna shoot up to £20. a couple of hands dropped out but there was still a formidable number of bidders, and i was still in the running.

Auctioneer: £30!! only a couple of hands dropped...but still a number remained.

Then the high roller in our midst decided to up the ante; "£50!!" he proclaimed. At this point, I still had some of my wits about me, not many, but enough that i hesitated for a second(this was the only time this happened), and then tentatively put my hand up, "£55".

"£60"- The high roller was not to be outdone. My hand went up "£65".

High-roller played his first hand: "£100". (now I should mention that the total that they were trying to raise that night was £100). It was just him and me now.

This went on for the better part of 30 mins, and me, fuelled by a determination only 5 double Jack and cokes and half a bottle of wine can give, stayed with it, me and the high roller; he kept throwing up outrageous bids and giving me a defiant look, expecting me to be discouraged, but he had underestimated how stupid vast amounts of alcohol can make me.

I will spare you the sordid details, but eventually, the bidding was stopped at £310, me being the victor because we ran out of time. it may not seem so, but i say £310 without the slightest hint of non-chalance. That's a lot of money!!! For a date i'm probably not even gunna go on, different city. They said it's going to charity, but i know better...they are, after all, my friends. Now, i feel obliged to pay this fee, i made a commitment. a commitment to garri and epa for the rest of the month. And that began the start to the worst valentines day of my human career.

In addition to this, i sorta had 3 girls on the go, so i spent the rest of the day in hiding (well except, I [jr] got a little lonely and we called one of them up :p). but now I will have 'man-flu' for the rest of the month. Adios

where was I? oh yes, Bella!

after Bella, blue balls in hand, broken heart in chest, i decided to move on swiftly..and move on swiftly i did. Bella's episode ended in June/July 2007, by October, there had been three others; let's call em 22 (as in 34-22-40- LAWD ALMIGHTAY!!), Geek Connection ( we connected on a level of geekiness i still dont understand) [i have to apologise for the lack of imagination in coming up with these names but i'm suffering from 'cant be bothered'] and miss 'I-have-a-boyfriend-but-I'll flirt-with-you-and-give-you-false-hope-cause-u're-cute-and-u-know-just-in-case'...mouthful i know.

like i said, cant be bothered today, so i'll give you the cliffnotes

22- She was cute but she just seemed too easily distracted, like she had ADD or something (even though i know for a fact that she didnt), i got tired of the yo-yoing so i let it go
GC- She was cool (kinda overlapped with 22) but she was indecisive. She liked me, but she had work, about 90hrs a week. Eventually I moved, and it fizzled.
The third one needs no further explaining.

So after all of this, I went back to school, final year. And the flood began. I was supposed to be focusing on final year lectures and my dissertation, but the devil would not have it.

The number of pretty girls showing me unnecessary attention at this crucial point in my life was ludicrous. Like I was in season or something. and foolish me, i decided to enjoy myself. Afterall, i had a guaranteed job offer, regardless of grade when i graduated.

I'm not going to go into the details, or even try and list all of them, because, i am slightly ashamed to say, I was...and am still slightly, a ho/slag/ashi/slut/(insert local colloquialism); but i will say, during the course of the year, i had my first menage a three/unholy trinity/...

...however u say it...i had my first threesome!!

more in next post

To the assholes clogging up my gym...

Run!
You've got that look of January determination in your eye
The one that says u will complete this mile
Run!
You can feel the pressure mounting and though
You're starting to lose faith, you force yourself to believe
Run!
From the piercing, judging eyes of your commitment, of your promise
You want to quit, pack it all in, go back to the couch,
Beer, Cheetos
But the year is still young, the resolve still fresh
So u
Run!
Hoping everyone else is as deceived as you have fooled yourself
Run!
Till your joints start to ache, your breath begins to catch
Run!
Till the sweat pours down your face, blurring your vision
Run!
Till there's nothing left, you've appeased the judging eyes and
Stop!
Shower, go home
We'll see u again next January

I'm looking deep into ur eyes for as long as I can restrain myself. grab u gently but firmly by the shoulders and push u into the wall, pick u up and kiss u, kiss so deep u can feel my tongue on ur lips, the other ones.

I think about carrying u to the bedroom, but the excitement in ur eyes reminds me of the urgency in my soul and in one swoop and a loud crash a moment later, the table is clear. I lay u down gently, softly caressing ur collarbone with my lips, drawing a moan out from deep within ur shuddering belly, as my fingers play a symphony along ur midsection.

Tracing a path gradually lower, below ur waistline till I can feel u..ur wet... that will have to wait, I have a few hundred nerve centers to please first.

I pick u up and flip u over, it starts in the small of ur back...little swirls of unbearable pleasure gradually spreading up ur back as ur entire being begins to ache... I ignore ur backside rising to reveal ur beautiful wet throbbing lips.

Slowly my lips find their way lower, grazing ur buttocks, one small bite (something else to remember me 2moro). I'm at ur thighs now, sucking on the insides, lapping up the juice now flowing freely down ur legs, slowly making my way back up to ur lips...one quick lick to the clit and I pause...(Tbc)

I'm sitting across the room from u on the couch. I'm a little nervous because I finally have the rendezvous I've anticipated for so long. I can tell by the way u keep smiling and looking away that ur nervous too. Finally we lock eyes, ur half smile at the same time confident and unsure; at the same time innocent and alluring. I get up and move swiftly over to u. So quick even that I catch myself by surprise. I can hear my heart thumping now as much as I can feel the pounding of your chest next to mine. The passion in your eyes now mirrors the desire in mine as I pull in, slowly, carefully caressing your lips with mine. Lightly bruising bottom lip against upper, upper against lower lip; teasing. Slowly building momentum, until, inevitably, desire consumes us. Now we're tangled in a fiery lip-lock, lost to any exterior reality...(Tbc)

1. We don't take walks
2. Don't leave ur juice lying around (sugar ants)
3. Don't go with ur parents (dad). He will try to monopolise ur time
4. Get the numbers of all ur friends BEFORE u get on the plane
5. Make sure ur license is valid, make sure there's a car available for you
6. If number 5 is a no, make sure u have a friend who is willing to be ur personal chauffer/tour guide while you're in town. Said friend may be willing to accept payment in cash or in the gift of friendship. Also, try and agree this very much in advance.
7. Whether u do 5 or 6 make sure the car has WORKING A/C
8. Mosquito repellent is also woman repellent. Use anyway
9. GET YOUR SHOTS!!!
10. Lagos morafockas wake up early!
11. Lagos morafockas don't sleep
12. Not much else compares to an ice cold Malta Guinness consumed under the Lagos sun
13. White t-shirts SOUND like a good idea
14. U will not want to leave, at least not between day 3 and day 14 of ur stay.