my life

is an open book

with blank pages

it's not for you to read

but for me to write

i'm re-evaluating my reasoning for starting this blog...i'm doing this as a way to say the things that i want to say in true damn-the-consequences fashion. not like the diplomat that I am in the real world. so in a sense, my life on blogger is totally different from my life.

but still i'm sensing certain similarities. i have inadvertently compartmentalized my blogs. all aspects kept seperate, just like my real life...friends kept separate, from family, kept seperate from finance, kept separate from romance, kept separate from me.

so as i write to share myself with you, i realise that i share myself in tiny little pieces at a time...i've always been this way, and i cannot or will not change...it's the way I am. The people who know the most about me dont really know me, they only know what i show them.

even as i write this i realise that this must be true for most people and as such this post is moot.

I've always considered myself a fair man. The type of man that would rather die than hurt a woman. I thought I was better than most men. Not an animal.

But I now realise that...well... I am. It's not something I can do anything about. It's ingrained in that XY gene that gave me my 21st appendage (or my 5th limb depends how u look at it). I didnt really have a say in the matter, I just am. Now the choice that's left to me and to every other man is as to what animal to be. We have two choices:

- mean, vicious, but faithful dog.

-or dirty, disgusting pig.

i choose the former. and I try to remain that way in all my dealings with women...knowing that they can be b*****s themselves...and i say that not to disrespect women, cause i really do respect women, but they know, ladies, u know when u get in that mood where u sit on a brother's last nerve till it cant stand the weight of u and he snaps...that's another story.

So anyway, i discovered this about myself and accepted it. I will try to be the best man (or dog) I can be...blunted fangs, muted claws and all...and this is my journey to becoming that

i was talking to beloved the other day and she went on a bender about the current programming on BET. the ridiculous profusion of really crap "reality" shows, College Hill, Hell Date, Baldwin Hills...to name a few of the worst offenders.

Anyway it got me thinking about "reality"(sorry i can't say reality without the quotes...it wouldnt be right) shows and the people that get on them. It's like a modern day slavery with people doing whatever the network bosses say in order to get the carrot dangled in front of the donkeys nose...anyway...i wrote:

Negnorance

You prance about on tv
Showing the entire world your shame
You've given them your dignity
The price you had to pay for fame
Now the whole world knows your name
But for entirely wrong reasons
You brought disgrace to your family
And still you're signed up for next season
You don't realise you're in chains
A true modern day slave
Exploited by the "Masser"
The media made you all the rage
Going "Yessa Big Brother", "Thank you ver much Big Brother"
Locked away and at their mercy for your food and drink
Seems awfully familiar...

I havent written anything in a loooooooooooooong time...it has actually been quite distressing because everytime i put pen to paper, trying to conjure up words i end up writing 2 or three lines and then it doesnt feel right anymore...so i have a LOT of unfinished pieces on my phone. But the other day, sitting on a bus, I decided to just write words, whatever would come out of me....this is the result...I call it my "end to drought"


It's a stalemate
Me looking at Him
Him looking at me
Nothing changing..no progress is made
Not one drop of ink will leak from this pen
Until I feel an ounce of emotion
So I stare at blank lined A4
That mirrors the emptiness of my life
Lived between the lines
Trying to direct my flow as though it were scripted...as though it were mine
But the page remains blank..
'Til I realise that there are no guidelines

So I begin to write
Not between the lines this time
But all over the page
In crude, distorted letters
In no particular direction, in no predetermined order
I let the words spill out on paper
Like rain
Following the Spirit like raindrops follow the wind
No pattern to it
It just pours
And then comes the storm
Scaring religious old ladies with its intensity
Frightening them with it's unpredictability
Causing those who understand to smile
To laugh, to go dancing in the rain

so i've found myself in a bit of a rut lately. i've gotten a little moody and people are starting to notice. they ask me what's wrong and i cant really tell them because i dont really know. Well if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I DO know...and the reason I cant tell them is that they would probably hate me.

You see, my current state of funk is owed in most part to my environment, of which these people are a part. I have become quite intolerant of stupidity and these people have it in buckets..no, tankers. And when I'm quiet and I refuse to join in their foolishness, they ask me why I'm in a mood and I wont lie, I'm very, VERY tempted to tell them that their idiocy is driving me crazy...that I want to grab a stapler and pin the word IDIOT to each and every one of their foreheads. I'm not playing either...I've sat there and planned it out...how much paper I would need...actually typed up the word in big bold letters and gotten inches away from hitting the print button.

I've always tried to be the kind of person that keeps a positive attitude, no matter where I am, keep a smile on my face, cheer others up. But I cant do it here, i'm surrounded by so much negativity, back-stabbing, gossiping, rumor-mongering, name-calling, politics...u name it...they do it. I feel like Lot in Sodom. This is NOT my place. I'm so glad I leave in 2 weeks.

They say even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your personality
I love your sense of humore, ur wit, our conversations
I admire the way u think
The depth of ur soul
I feel connecte to ur spirit
But u still better look good

See I also like that 34, 24, 46
Cute smile with the thick red lips
Thick figure with a tiny waist
With legs that go on for days
Eyes that shine like the stars
And perfect teeth that glisten from afar

Cause even the deepest river has a shallow end
So yes, I appreciate your wonderful personality
But I'm sayin...hunnie, u gotta look good